How silent signals shape your relationship more than words ever could
By Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC — Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist, and co-founder of The Marriage Restoration Project. For more than 20 years, he’s helped couples transform hopeless marriages into lasting connection through structured dialogue and emotional safety.
The “Silent Third Partner” in Every Marriage
Did you know your marriage has a third partner — one that never speaks but communicates constantly?
That partner is your body language.
Your gestures, facial expressions, and tone of voice often say far more than your words.¹ Even when you think you’re communicating clearly, your body may be telling a very different story.
During televised debates and high-stakes discussions, communication experts often analyze leaders’ posture, tone, and eye movements to reveal what’s really happening beneath the surface. The same nonverbal principles apply in your relationship — only with much higher emotional stakes.
Why Does Body Language Matter So Much in Marriage?
Research shows that **over two-thirds of human communication is nonverbal.**² Your spouse interprets subtle cues — your sighs, your eye movements, your folded arms — long before they process your words.
When your body language doesn’t match your tone or words, your partner senses dissonance. The result? Misunderstandings, defensiveness, and emotional distance.
Learning to align your nonverbal cues with your emotional intent can transform the way you both feel heard.
Make Eye Contact — But Don’t Stare
Public speaking coaches emphasize that confident communicators maintain natural eye contact. It shows interest and emotional presence.
In marriage, the same rule applies: when you avoid eye contact, it can feel like withdrawal or rejection.³
Try this: look at your spouse gently and attentively while they speak. Avoid staring too intensely, which can feel intimidating rather than connected.
Stop Eye-Rolling — It’s Contempt in Disguise
Body language researchers identify eye-rolling as a universal sign of contempt. According to Dr. John Gottman, it’s one of the strongest predictors of divorce.⁴
Practice: When you feel irritated, pause before reacting. Replace the urge to roll your eyes with a calm breath or a validating statement like, “I see why that’s important to you.” Over time, this simple shift builds trust and reduces defensiveness.
Engage Your Body, Not Just Your Words
Analysts often note that leaders who use open, relaxed gestures seem more relatable and authentic than those with rigid or closed postures.⁵
In marriage, use your body to show warmth: face your spouse directly, lean in slightly, uncross your arms, and nod occasionally. These subtle adjustments convey, “I’m present with you.”
Respect Each Other’s Space
In any debate or discussion, crowding the other person’s physical space feels confrontational. In a relationship, it triggers the same instinct — defensiveness.
Tip: During heated moments, maintain a respectful distance. Give your spouse the physical and emotional room to breathe.⁶ When they feel safe, they’re far more likely to open up.
Keep Facial Expressions Supportive
Smiling or laughing sarcastically during a serious moment sends the message, “I don’t take you seriously.” Nonverbal communication researcher Jeff Thompson explains that incongruent smiles — smiling when upset — are read as disapproval, not warmth.⁷
Practice: Match your facial expression to the emotional tone of the conversation. Neutral or compassionate expressions convey care even when you disagree.
Watch What Your Face Is Saying
Your face is the window into what you’re feeling inside. Studies on micro-expressions show that emotions leak through in fractions of a second — even when you try to hide them.⁸
If you can’t show warmth, aim for neutrality instead of anger or sarcasm. Small expressions — a soft gaze, a calm jawline — can communicate safety faster than words ever could.
How Can I Improve My Nonverbal Communication in Marriage?
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Practice mindful awareness: notice your posture, tone, and gestures in real time.
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Ask your spouse how your expressions make them feel.
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Use open body language — relaxed shoulders, uncrossed arms, gentle eye contact.
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Regulate your breathing during conflict to keep your tone even and calm.⁹
What Are the Most Common Nonverbal Mistakes Couples Make?
The top offenders include:
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Eye-rolling or dismissive gestures.
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Avoiding eye contact.
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Using sarcasm or smirking during serious talks.
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Standing too close during conflict.
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Crossing arms or turning away mid-conversation.⁴
Awareness is the first step. Once you catch these habits, you can consciously shift your cues toward connection instead of defense.
Key Takeaways
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Body language is your unspoken third partner. It constantly communicates your true emotional state.
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Eye contact, posture, and tone build or break emotional safety.
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Contempt gestures like eye-rolling predict disconnection and resentment.
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Respecting space and maintaining openness lower defensiveness.
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Small shifts in awareness can completely change the emotional tone of your marriage.
FAQs (People Also Ask)
Q: Can my spouse tell how I feel just from my body language?
A: Yes. Humans are wired to pick up on nonverbal signals instinctively — even subtle ones.²
Q: Why does my partner get defensive even when I use kind words?
A: Because your tone or facial expression might contradict your words. The body speaks louder.⁸
Q: How do I stay calm during an argument?
A: Regulate your breathing, relax your shoulders, and maintain neutral or soft facial expressions. This signals safety.⁹
Q: Can improving body language really fix communication issues?
A: When your tone, body, and words match you can set the groundwork for rebuilding trust.⁴
Sources
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Mehrabian, A. (1972). Nonverbal Communication. Aldine-Atherton.
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Burgoon, J.K. & Guerrero, L.K. (2011). Nonverbal Communication. Routledge.
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Gottman Institute – Eye Contact and Emotional Presence in Marriage.
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Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.
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Hackney, P. (2012). NYU Movement Lab Analysis – Gesture and Authenticity.
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American Psychological Association – Proxemics and Interpersonal Boundaries.
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Thompson, J. (2014). The Nonverbal Communication Reader. Griffith University Press.
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Ekman, P. (2003). Emotions Revealed. Times Books.
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Verywell Mind – How Body Language Impacts Conflict Resolution.
