In any loving relationship, conflict can arise from the least expected of places, including your family. A favorite trope of sitcoms and dramas alike, disdain and disagreement between the ‘meddling in-laws’ and your partner can cause plenty of strife and challenges in even the healthiest of marriages.
Whether it’s outright arguments at family events, actively stating that they don’t like certain members of your family or quietly refusing to visit with them, this situation can put plenty of strain on any relationship, leading the other spouse to feel like they’re caught in the middle. Oftentimes, this feeling can lead to the other spouse feeling lost, confused and pressured to take a side, choosing between their family and their spouse.
If you’ve found yourself caught in the middle between your spouse and your family and aren’t sure what to do, we’re happy to help. Keep reading to discover our top tips and advice for mitigating conflict between the most valuable personal relationships in your life – your significant other and your family.
Take a Step Back from the Situation
While it may feel like an odd first step to take, it’s important to first take a high-level look at what is actually happening. Is this really a situation where your spouse dislikes your family, or is there something else going on? Is this a conflict of values and interest, or did something happen that triggered an emotional response from your spouse?
Oftentimes, it’s difficult to see the full picture when you are wrapped up in the emotion and the conflict. By removing yourself from the situation and trying to examine it from an outsider’s perspective, you may pick up on something that you had previously missed.
Reestablish Communication With Your Spouse
When conflict arises, such as situations in which your spouse refuses to do something with your family or acts negatively about it, communication often breaks down in the process. We can easily get caught up in the heat of the moment and the emotions of an argument or disagreement, which can, in turn, cause us to shut down or escalate communication with our significant other. This only exacerbates the problem.
Rather than falling into the spiral of conflict that can grow into resentment over time, make sure that you take a moment to calm down and remember that you and your spouse are a team. Approach the conversation with a willingness to express yourself honestly and openly and to actively listen to their responses. Discuss the issue at hand and resolutions that you can find to overcome the situation while reaffirming their value in your life. You may find that there is a reason that they feel disdain for your family, or particular members of your family, that they have not previously felt comfortable sharing with you.
Reaffirm Your Spouse’s Value
As previously mentioned, it’s important to also remind your spouse of how truly valuable they are in your life. Sometimes, conflict between your partner and your family can arise when your partner feels that you value your family over them. This can be due to you spending more time with your family, spending more money on activities with them or valuing their opinion over your spouse’s when you ask for advice.
Your spouse is your partner in life and deserves to be reminded of how truly important they are to you. If they are feeling less valued or important than your family, it’s critical that you take a closer look at your own behaviors and actions. For example, if you’re spending every weekend with your family and not creating time and space for you and your spouse to spend time together at all, you’ll need to rethink your priorities.
Don’t Be Afraid to Set Boundaries
Once you review the situation, discuss with your partner and reaffirm their value, the next step is to work on establishing boundaries. This, unfortunately, can involve putting boundaries in place with your family or family members that seem to be causing strife for your partner. For example, if your partner resents your mother because she shows up uninvited to your home on a whim and expects to be entertained by your spouse, you will need to put your foot down and advise your mother that this is no longer welcome behavior.
Be clear and communicative when establishing these boundaries and stick to them. Share them with your partner and ask for their assistance in keeping to them. You will likely receive some pushback and complaints from your family, but these boundaries are key to keeping your marriage healthy and your partner feeling like they are valued and heard.
Ask for Help if You Need It
For some couples, just discussing the potential conflict between a spouse and the in-laws can be a daunting challenge that leads to more headache and heartache than good. And for others, having a little bit of professional guidance to help work through a potential conflict is the perfect recipe for success. Either way, reaching out to a licensed marriage counselor or couples therapist is a great way to set your relationship back on the right track.
These experienced professionals can help give you the tools and practices that you need to facilitate healing in your relationship and will be able to help you and your spouse work together to identify and overcome what is causing the conflict. Whether you opt for weekly sessions with a licensed counselor or go for something a little more in-depth like a marriage intensive retreat, working with a professional is an excellent step to take to reopen communication in your marriage and overcome disdain between your spouse and your family.
Bridging the Gap: Resolving Conflict Between Your Spouse and Family
In any relationship, one challenging source of conflict can be distrust or disdain between your spouse and your family. Whether it’s due to a misunderstanding, ongoing arguments, or outright mistreatment, it’s important to address this issue head-on before resentment grows and the relationships are unsalvageable. By taking a step back from the situation to assess it from an unbiased perspective, reestablishing open communication with your partner, reaffirming their value, and asking for help if you need it, you can set your marriage and your future relationships with your family up for lasting success.
