No relationship is perfect, and neither is your spouse, no matter how much you love them and trust them. There are times that your partner can be challenging or disruptive, which can inevitably lead to you feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, resulting in your criticizing their behavior or actions.
And while some criticism can be helpful, such as constructive criticism, the truth of the matter is that much of it can actually be harmful, especially over time. Constant critique, nagging or nitpicking without any positive influx or feedback can create a negative environment within any relationship, with the spouse being critiqued eventually feeling exhausted and discouraged. This, in turn, can irrevocably break down a relationship and cause lasting damage and breaking of trust.
If you’re in a committed relationship, constantly dealing with criticism and reaching your breaking point, we’re happy to help. Keep reading to discover how to effectively cope with criticism in your marriage and methods to correct this disruptive behavior and ensure that you and your spouse come out stronger on the other side.
What is Criticism?
Before we dive into how to handle criticism in your marriage, it’s important to first take a step back and identify exactly what criticism is. Unlike its sister, ‘constructive criticism,’ criticism involves making a critical remark without offering feedback or further information for improvement. Rather than saying, “I don’t like it when you do this, I would prefer if you handled it this way,” this process involves simply saying, “I don’t like this.”
While criticism may seem mundane or harmless on its face, the truth of the matter is that it can cause serious damage in a marriage or committed relationship. This unfortunate power lies in the idea that you are being criticized by someone who you love more than anyone, and who is supposed to love you more than anyone. Over time, continued criticism can erode and damage even the healthiest of marriages, leading to discouragement, disagreement and potentially divorce.
How to Handle Constant Criticism
Now that we’ve nailed down the basics of what criticism entails, it’s time to discuss how to effectively manage it in your marriage or relationship.
Step 1: Remember Your Value
For so many people, constant criticism from someone they love and trust can cause them to devalue who they are and what they offer to the world. They may begin to fixate on the criticism that they receive rather than the positive aspects about their life and achievements, spiraling further and further into a cycle of dismay and depression.
For anyone in this situation, it’s important to take a step back and separate yourself from the criticism that you are receiving. Remember that you have true value and worth beyond what you are being told and recognize that the criticism is external. Work to reestablish a positive perspective of yourself and, if needed, don’t be afraid to remind others.
Step 2: Open Up Lines of Communication
With constant criticism between couples, communication will inevitably start to break down. The criticized partner will feel less inclined to engage with their spouse due to fear or dread that they’ll receive more criticism. The criticizing partner may then feel cut off from their partner and relationship, resulting in more negativity and turmoil for both sides.
At this point, it’s of the utmost importance to reestablish open lines of communication. You may feel less inclined to do so if you are the partner being criticized, but this is the only way forward to resetting and reestablishing a healthy relationship. In addition, this is a great opportunity to actually discuss the criticism and how it makes you feel with your partner. They may not realize the harm of what they’re doing and a simple correction can potentially help put them back on the right path.
Step 3: Set Boundaries (and Keep Them)
Once you reopen lines of communication with your criticizing spouse, it’s important to set boundaries around the criticism. Be clear with your communication and draw the line in what is acceptable and what isn’t in your relationship. Ensure that they are actively listening by asking them to repeat back what you say. Then, once the boundaries are established, make sure that you keep them.
While unexpected, this process may involve your partner also setting boundaries with you. There may be behaviors that are causing their constant criticism and you may need to address them as well. For example, your partner may criticize you for being too loud walking around the house during the day, but it’s only because you are interrupting meetings when they work from home. Allow your partner to communicate healthy boundaries back to you, actively listen to what they want and need and then work to respect these boundaries.
Step 4: Remember That You’re a Team
When dealing with constant negativity from a trusted loved one, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that it’s you against them. However, it’s important to remember that you are a team that is working together against any obstacle that life throws your way, including criticism. Take a step back from the situation and remember that it is up to both of you to come together to overcome the destruction that criticism can potentially cause in your relationship.
Step 5: Ask for Help If You Need It
For some couples, constant criticism may have already done irrevocable damage to the marriage. In this case, it’s important to ask for help. It’s not a sign of weakness or giving up, but rather the exact opposite – it’s a sign that you’re willing to put in the work and do whatever it takes to save your marriage.
By employing the use of an experienced marriage counselor or licensed couples therapist, you can bring in a well-versed third party that can help both of you work through the nagging issues of criticism and any subsequent damage that may have occurred in your relationship. Whether it’s through weekly one-on-one sessions or a comprehensive marriage intensive, these professionals will be able to give you the guidance that you need to overcome the hurdle of criticism together and come out stronger on the other side.
Overcoming Criticism in Relationships: How to Communicate with Love and Respect
In any loving, committed relationship, there will be times that can be challenging. Some may be tempted to fall into the pit of criticism to address behaviors or actions that caused frustration, such as nitpicking something your spouse did or blaming them for an unwanted situation. And for the criticized spouse, constant criticism can quickly become overwhelming and discouraging, in turn causing damage to the relationship as a whole. Through remembering your self-value, reestablishing lines of communication, setting healthy boundaries, remembering that you’re a team and asking for help when you need it, you can work together to effectively overcome the challenging hurdle of criticism.
