We often get asked: “What are the marriage mistakes that couples make most often in their relationships?”
While communication problems in marriage are the obvious culprit, there are a few deeper mistakes that can quietly damage trust and connection. The good news? They’re fixable once you become conscious of them.
Here are two common marriage mistakes we see over and over again in our work with couples — and how to repair them.
Mistake #1: Assuming Your Spouse Is “Verbally Abusive” When They’re Actually Overwhelmed
It’s common for one partner to say, “My spouse is verbally abusive” because the other lashes out when angry or frustrated.
While true verbal abuse does exist and must be taken seriously, many of these moments are actually stress reactions — not intentional cruelty.
Why It Happens
Under stress, people tend to default to two different coping styles:
- Maximizers: raise their energy — talk louder, express emotion, and pursue connection through intensity.
- Minimizers: lower their energy — withdraw, go quiet, or shut down to protect themselves.
When a maximizer and minimizer marry, their protective instincts clash. The maximizer’s passion feels threatening; the minimizer’s silence feels rejecting. Both are acting from fear, not malice.
How to Fix It
The solution is creating safety in your communication.
When both partners feel emotionally safe, there’s no need for lashing out or shutting down.
By creating safety in your relationship, you can avoid knee-jerk reactions that come across as “abusive” and learn how to connect productively.
To start, take our 5 Step Plan to a Happy Marriage: Guided Journey to Lasting Love.
Our Marriage Restoration Retreat ranks among the best marriage counseling retreats because it helps both partners rebuild safety with no blame and no shame, creating space for honest sharing and healing.
Mistake #2: Believing Rough Patches Mean You Married the Wrong Person
Many couples assume that once things get difficult, it means their marriage is doomed — or that they chose the wrong partner.
The Truth
All couples experience a power struggle phase. It’s not proof of incompatibility; it’s an invitation to grow.
In fact, the very traits that frustrate you about your spouse are often the ones that can help you grow into your best self. You didn’t marry the wrong person — you married the right person for your healing.
How to Fix It
- Hold tight. Growth takes time.
- Stay conscious. Notice when you’re projecting your pain rather than communicating your needs.
- Get to work. Invest in learning new communication tools and emotional safety practices.
Need more inspiration? Explore these related posts:
- Is Name-Calling Really Verbal Abuse?
- Stopping Emotional Abuse in a Marriage
- A Marriage Retreat Is the Best Way to Stop a Divorce
Why Creating Safety Matters More Than Communication Tricks
Couples often assume that learning “better communication skills” will fix everything. But real transformation happens when both partners feel emotionally safe — not judged, blamed, or dismissed.
The best marriage counseling retreats help you:
- Identify your stress responses and triggers.
- Understand your partner’s coping style.
- Build empathy through structured, safe dialogue.
- Reconnect as allies rather than adversaries.
When you understand why your partner reacts the way they do, even conflict becomes an opportunity for connection.
Key Takeaways
- Most “verbal abuse” in marriage is actually stress reactivity — not intentional harm.
- Emotional safety transforms the way couples respond under pressure.
- The power struggle phase is normal and can lead to deep personal growth.
- You married the right person — the one who helps you heal old wounds.
- Intensive marriage retreats and structured programs accelerate transformation far beyond weekly counseling.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is yelling always a sign of verbal abuse?
Not always. Context and intent matter. Yelling from overwhelm can be re-trained with emotional regulation and safety. Persistent humiliation or threats, however, is abuse and requires professional help.
Can a marriage survive the power struggle phase?
Absolutely. It’s part of every long-term relationship. With tools like the 5 Step Plan to a Happy Marriage, couples learn to transform friction into growth.
What’s the fastest way to rebuild safety in marriage?
Start by listening without judgment. Avoid blame and defensiveness. For deeper work, consider a 2-Day Marriage Intensive Retreat.
Is marriage counseling worth the money?
Yes — because therapy and retreats can help you avoid years of emotional distance or the high cost of divorce.
Can couples really change old patterns?
Yes. It takes conscious effort, consistency, and professional guidance — but thousands of couples have proven it’s possible.
Sources
- Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
- Imago Relationships International. The Power Struggle Phase and Safe Conversations Framework.
- The Marriage Restoration Project. Marriage Intensives, 5 Step Plan to a Happy Marriage, Is Name-Calling Verbal Abuse?.
- American Psychological Association (APA). “Marital Communication Patterns and Emotional Safety.”
- The Gottman Institute. “The Power Struggle in Relationships and How to Work Through It.”
