Mismatched Sexual Desire in Marriage: Why It Happens & How to Fix It

by Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and co-founder of The Marriage Restoration Project.

If you and your spouse have mismatched sexual desire — where one partner wants intimacy more often than the other — you’re not alone. This is one of the most common issues couples search for online, and it can create frustration, loneliness, confusion, or even conflict.

The good news: mismatched libido is normal, highly treatable, and often a sign of deeper emotional patterns that can be healed with the right tools.

Here’s how to reconnect, communicate safely, and rebuild a physical relationship that works for both of you.

Why Couples Experience Mismatched Sexual Desire

Most couples will, at some point, experience differences in desire due to:

• stress or exhaustion

• parenting demands

• hormonal changes

• emotional disconnection

• anxiety or unresolved conflict

• body-image concerns

• trauma history

• medications or medical conditions

• different intimacy styles

• lack of quality time or affection

Desire differences are not a sign of incompatibility — they’re a sign that something deeper needs attention.

How to Improve Your Physical & Emotional Connection

1. Use Safe Communication Tools to Discuss Your Intimate Life

Talking about sex can feel vulnerable, especially if you already feel rejected, pressured, or unseen. That’s why using a structured method like the Imago Dialogue is so powerful.

The Imago structure allows couples to talk about sensitive topics without:

• blame

• judgment

• defensiveness

• shutting down

How to do it:
Set a specific time for the conversation. Create a calm environment — candles, clean space, comfortable clothing, sitting face-to-face. The purpose is to connect, not win an argument.

Many couples are shocked at what they learn about each other’s desires, fears, and needs when they finally feel safe enough to discuss intimacy openly.

2. Explore Your Beliefs, Expectations & the “Story” You Were Taught About Sex

Every person brings unconscious beliefs about intimacy from:

• childhood

• religion

• past relationships

• culture

• upbringing

• unspoken household rules

These beliefs shape how you respond to intimacy, how often you desire it, and how emotionally safe you feel.

Many couples benefit from creating a Relationship Vision specifically for intimacy — a shared agreement about:

• how you want to feel during intimacy

• what helps each partner feel desired

• what slows desire down

• what builds connection outside the bedroom

• your hopes for your intimate future together

When both partners understand the other’s beliefs, fear dissolves and desire grows.

3. Rule Out Medical or Hormonal Causes

A drop in desire can also be caused by:

• low testosterone

• postpartum changes

• perimenopause or menopause

• thyroid disorders

• antidepressants or other medications

• chronic stress or adrenal fatigue

• sleep deprivation

• pelvic pain

If there’s a sudden change in libido, or the lower-desire partner feels confused by their lack of interest, getting a medical evaluation can bring clarity and relief.

What NOT to Do When You Have Mismatched Desire

To avoid further damage:

• Don’t take rejection personally

• Don’t pressure or withdraw

• Don’t avoid emotional conversations

• Don’t assume the higher-desire partner is “needy”

• Don’t assume the lower-desire partner “doesn’t care”

Desire is complex and deeply tied to emotional safety — not just physical attraction.

When to Seek Support

If mismatched desire has lasted for months or years, or if it’s creating resentment, anxiety, or disconnection, it may be time for deeper guidance.

Our 2-Day Marriage Restoration Intensive helps you uncover the emotional, relational, and communication blocks preventing intimacy — and reconnect safely and compassionately.

Key Takeaways

• Mismatched sexual desire is common and fixable.

• Safe communication (like the Imago Dialogue) is essential.

• Desire is deeply connected to emotional safety and past beliefs.

• Medical or hormonal issues can play a role.

• Healing requires curiosity, not blame.

FAQs About Mismatched Desire

Is mismatched libido normal in marriage?

Yes — it’s one of the most common relationship issues and happens even in strong marriages.

Can mismatched desire be fixed?

Absolutely. With communication and emotional connection, most couples find a satisfying rhythm.

Is it wrong if one partner has a higher sex drive?

No. Desire differences are natural and not a sign of incompatibility.

What if talking about sex makes us uncomfortable?

Use structured conversation tools like the Imago Dialogue to create safety and reduce anxiety.

Should we see a therapist?

If desire differences create conflict or emotional distance, professional support can accelerate healing.

Sources

1. Basson, R. (2001). “Human Sex-Response Cycles and Women’s Sexual Response: New Models.” Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 27(1), 33–43.
   – Foundational work explaining how emotional intimacy and context impact sexual desire, especially for women.

2. Mark, K. P., Herbenick, D., Fortenberry, J. D., Sanders, S. A., & Reece, M. (2014). “The Object of Sexual Desire: Examining the Link Between Sexual Desire Discrepancy and Relationship Satisfaction in a National Sample.” Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(1), 3–16.
   – Shows that mismatched sexual desire (desire discrepancy) is common and linked to relationship satisfaction.

3. Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. HarperCollins.
   – Explores how long-term relationships often struggle with desire differences and how emotional dynamics play a role.

4. Schnarch, D. (1997). Passionate Marriage: Sex, Love, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships.
   – Discusses desire discrepancies, differentiation, and how couples can grow through intimacy challenges.

5. Leiblum, S. R., & Rosen, R. C. (2000). Principles and Practice of Sex Therapy (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
   – Clinical overview of low desire, mismatched desire, and psychosexual treatment approaches.

6. Brotto, L. A., & Luria, M. (2014). “Sexual Interest, Desire, and Arousal in Women.” Annual Review of Sex Research.
   – Reviews factors that influence desire, including stress, hormones, and relationship variables.

7. Byers, E. S. (2005). “Relationship Satisfaction and Sexual Satisfaction: A Longitudinal Study of Individuals in Long-Term Relationships.” Journal of Sex Research, 42(2), 113–118.
   – Shows the strong link between emotional connection, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction.

8. Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). “Intimacy as an Interpersonal Process.” In Handbook of Personal Relationships.
   – Explains how emotional intimacy and feeling understood are central to overall closeness and desire.

9. Tiefer, L. (2001). “A New View of Women’s Sexual Problems.” Women & Therapy, 24(1–2), 11–26.
   – Argues that sexual problems (including low desire) often reflect relational and contextual factors, not just biology.

10. American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT).
    – Provides guidelines on healthy sexual communication and the role of emotional safety in sexual relationships.