It’s no wonder Maybe You Should Talk To Someone by Lori Gottlieb is a runaway best-seller. Written by a therapist about her own personal journey into therapy, it gives readers a vulnerable and intriguing look into what happens behind the scenes of therapy—for both clients and therapists.
But beyond being an enjoyable read, it raises a bigger question couples often ask: Should we really talk to someone about our struggles? And if so, what’s the best way to do it?
Here are three important lessons from Gottlieb’s book, along with my perspective as a couples therapist working with people who are deciding whether therapy is right for them.
Lessons worth sharing from Maybe You Should Talk To Someone
Lesson #1: Therapy Brings Clarity
A therapist is not there to “fix you” or tell you what to do. Instead, they help you see your situation from new angles. Many people arrive in therapy focused on blaming others. But true progress comes when you begin asking: What is my role in creating this reality?
Research shows that therapy can help people increase self-awareness and take intentional steps toward change.¹ With couples, this means seeing not just what your partner is doing “wrong,” but how you both contribute to patterns—and how you can both shift toward connection.
Lesson #2: Getting Out of Your Own “Prison”
Sometimes our greatest enemy is our own mind. We create self-defeating narratives: I’m not lovable. I’ll always fail. Change isn’t possible. A good therapist helps you challenge these stories and see that the “jail cell” door may already be open.
Studies confirm that therapy helps people reframe negative thinking and develop more flexible, hopeful perspectives.² This is particularly powerful in couples work, where each partner may hold onto old stories (“You’ll never change,” “This will never work”) that prevent growth.
Lesson #3: The Healing Power of Relationships
Gottlieb emphasizes that therapy works not just because of techniques, but because of the relationship between therapist and client. Feeling safe, seen, and validated is deeply healing.³
For couples, this lesson has special weight. While the therapeutic relationship can be transformative, ultimately the relationship with your spouse is the real healing factor. That’s why I often caution couples against pursuing only individual therapy for marital problems.
The therapist’s role in couples therapy is to facilitate safety and vulnerability between partners. When a husband and wife can share openly, listen deeply, and repair ruptures in-session, they experience healing that goes beyond what individual therapy can provide.
This last point is especially important with couples therapy. For married folks, it is the relationship with your spouse that is the healing factor. That’s why we discourage couples from getting individual therapy for a marriage problem, for this ultimate non-judgmental relationship where you can be fully safe and vulnerable is precisely what is not happening in the marriage. The therapist’s job in couples work is to help facilitate this connection between both partners, which in turn helps them heal in a profound way. So while it is wonderful to have a therapist to provide this relationship, it is even more powerful with your spouse if you do have one. When closing, Lori writes about her final session with her therapist and the termination process. In a marriage, your spouse will always be there, and you won’t have to pay them by the hour!
Questions Couples Often Ask
Should we do individual or couples therapy for relationship issues?
For marriage problems, couples therapy is more effective. Individual therapy may provide relief, but it doesn’t address the relationship dynamic where the real healing needs to happen.³
Does talking to a therapist really work?
Yes. Decades of research show therapy improves mental health, relationships, and life satisfaction.¹ But success depends on fit, safety, and commitment to the process.
What if one of us doesn’t want to go?
Change can begin with one partner, but couples therapy is most effective when both are willing to participate. Sometimes starting with a consultation helps reduce resistance.
Key Takeaways
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Therapy creates clarity. It helps you see your role in challenges instead of only blaming circumstances.
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Your mindset matters. A therapist helps you break free from self-defeating stories.
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Relationships heal relationships. For couples, the most powerful therapy is learning to be safe and vulnerable with each other.
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Couples therapy is often the right choice. If the issue is your marriage, healing needs to happen within the marriage, not just individually.
Sources
¹ Lambert, M. J. (2013). Bergin and Garfield’s Handbook of Psychotherapy and Behavior Change. John Wiley & Sons.
² Beck, A. T. (2011). Cognitive therapy: Basics and beyond. Guilford Press.
³ Johnson, S. M., & Greenman, P. S. (2006). The therapeutic alliance in couple therapy: EFT and beyond. Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy, 36(1), 25–33.
