Is It Normal to Fight a Lot While Engaged? What It Really Means

If You’re Engaged but Fighting All the Time, You’re Not Alone

Wondering “Is it normal to fight a lot while engaged?”
Or thinking:

• “We’re not married yet and always fighting — is this a bad sign?”

• “Should we get married if we fight a lot?”

• “Why do engaged couples fight so much?”

These are some of the most Googled questions from couples in serious relationships.
And the truth is:

Fighting a lot before marriage is very common.

No — it does not necessarily mean the relationship is wrong.**

In fact, increased conflict before marriage often means you’re entering a deeper, more vulnerable phase of your relationship.

Why Engaged Couples Fight More: The Real Psychology Behind It

Commitment activates deeper emotional triggers

When you get engaged, the brain interprets the relationship as permanent, which can activate old wounds around:

• abandonment

• rejection

• closeness

• fear of loss

• insecurity

• fear of choosing the “wrong person”

This creates a spike in conflict before marriage — even in healthy relationships.

You’ve entered the “Power Struggle” stage

Every long-term relationship moves through stages:

1. Romantic Love (everything feels easy)

2. Power Struggle (you’re here)

3. Real Love

The power struggle is the stage where couples ask:

• “Why are we always fighting?”

• “Are we even compatible?”

• “Is this a red flag?”

But this stage is developmental, not a sign something is broken.

You both feel emotionally “exposed”

The closer the wedding gets, the more you feel:

• pressure

• expectations

• fear of repeating your parents’ mistakes

• fear of divorce

• fear of choosing wrong

This can make you more reactive and amplify small issues into big fights.

When two people share similar wounds, conflict intensifies

Many engaged couples with similar childhood backgrounds or attachment styles experience:

• fast escalations

• intense emotional reactions

• difficulty calming down

• passionate makeup periods

This is common — not catastrophic.

Is Fighting Before Marriage a Red Flag?

When it is NOT a red flag

Your fighting is normal premarital conflict if:

• There’s no physical violence

• You repair quickly after fights

• You still feel connected (once calm)

• You both want to improve

• You share trust, vulnerability, and honesty

• You’re fighting patterns — not values

• You are fighting because you’re afraid of losing each other

This means the relationship is activated, not broken.

When it IS a red flag

Take conflict seriously if:

• There is physical or emotional abuse

• One person refuses to work on the relationship

• There’s addiction or control

• Values (not behaviors) clash deeply

• You never repair after fights

• One partner feels chronically unsafe

Most engaged couples, however, fight because the relationship matters, not because it’s doomed.

Why Your Premarital Fights Feel So Intense

1. You’re emotionally invested — so the stakes feel high

The closer you get to marriage, the more you fear losing your partner.

2. You are each other’s “emotional mirror”

In Imago Relationship Therapy, partners often trigger each other’s childhood wounds — not intentionally, but unconsciously.

This explains why premarital fights feel:

• irrational

• overwhelming

• repetitive

• emotionally explosive

3. You haven’t learned safe communication yet

Without structured dialogue, conflict becomes:

• defensive

• reactive

• punishing

• chaotic

Most engaged couples aren’t taught how to communicate — they just hope it works naturally.

4. Your nervous systems are in “fight or flight” mode

This is why minor issues turn into:

• yelling

• walking out

• slamming doors

• dramatic statements

• feeling hopeless one minute and deeply in love the next

It’s not compatibility — it’s physiology.

How to Break the Fight–Make Up–Fight Cycle Before Marriage

1. Learn your triggers

You can say:
“When you withdraw, I feel abandoned.”
“When you raise your voice, I feel unsafe.”

Naming the trigger takes the power out of it.

2. Build emotional safety

Safety—not love—is the foundation of a stable relationship.

This includes:

• non-defensive listening

• validating feelings even if you disagree

• slowing conversations down

• using structure like the Imago Dialogue

3. Stop trying to win — start trying to understand

The goal is connection, not being right.

4. Do premarital therapy with a couples specialist

Not all therapists are trained in couples work.

Choose someone who specializes in:

• Imago Relationship Therapy

• EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy)

• Attachment-based premarital counseling

5. Address deeper fears

Often, the fight isn’t about the issue — it’s about the fear underneath it.

Our Clinical Insights (Based on 1,500+ Engaged Couples)

• Engaged couples often fight more after engagement because commitment activates attachment fears.
  – Couples who fight constantly before marriage improve dramatically after learning structured communication.
  **Engaged couples with similar childhood wounds experience the intensest fights—but also the strongest long-term bonds once patterns shift.
  **Premarital conflict is the #1 predictor of growth, not breakup, when couples seek early support.
  The “fight → repair → fight” cycle is usually fear-based, not compatibility-based.

FAQ: Is It Normal to Fight Before Marriage?

Is it normal to fight a lot before getting married?

Yes. Most engaged couples experience a spike in conflict during the power struggle stage.

Does fighting before marriage mean we’re not compatible?

No. It usually means you’re emotionally invested — not incompatible.

Should we get married if we fight all the time?

If the relationship is safe and both partners are willing to grow, yes.
If there is abuse, control, or unwillingness to change — no.

Can premarital counseling help?

Yes — especially couples-focused methods like Imago.

Can we fix this before the wedding?

Absolutely. Many couples completely transform their patterns with structured guidance.

Key Takeaways

• Fighting a lot while engaged is extremely common.

• Engagement triggers deeper emotional wounds and fears.

• Fighting more does not mean you shouldn’t get married.

• You can absolutely break the cycle and build a healthy marriage.

• Structured communication and support change everything.

• This is the power struggle stage, not a relationship failure.

Sources

• Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. (2019). Getting the Love You Want.

• Carroll, L. (2014). Love Cycles.

• Gottman Institute: Relationship Conflict Predictors

• Johnson, S. (2013). Hold Me Tight.

• TMRP Internal Premarital Data (2011–2025)