When you feel stressed, you are not able to make conscious and informed decisions. You will react out of fight/flight mode.
When you learn how to speak with emotional safety, you’ll be able to calm down these fight/flight reactions and utilize your “full brain” and not just the reptilian one which is designed to protect us from danger.
Later in this post, we’ll be showing a video of us connecting around an issue that could have been stressful!
If you act out of anxiety or stress, not only will you be hurting yourself, you will provoke your partner to feel unsafe and react accordingly.
For instance, when you feel anxious, do you yell? Shut down? Give the silent treatment? Leave?
Where it gets tricky is that your spouse has their own fight/flight reaction to protect themselves from YOUR fight/flight reaction.
Learning how to calm yourself down is crucial to achieving a safe and connected relationship with our spouse, or with any of our relationships.
If you’re the spouse that “dumps” on your partner in the moment of your anxiety, while that may provide you with some temporary relief, it will usually create more disconnect, because it catches your spouse off guard and making him/her feel unsafe. In turn, your spouse will be unable to respond to your needs in an effective way.
So, the next time you feel anxiety, try to take a few moments and allow yourself to calm down before you let it all out. This is where Imago therapy “kicks” in.
You start beginning to self regulate by checking with your partner if now is a good time to talk or not. That will help them be more readily available to listen to you.
Watch my wife and I asking each other for an “appointment” to talk about something frustrating.
Conclusion: When you are listening to something that your spouse is sharing with you and you begin feeling anxious about what he/she is sharing, instead of reacting:
1. Do your best to take a deep breath and find inner quiet.
2. Mirror back by repeating back what your spouse is saying, as opposed to reacting, will help you calm your brain, so that you can hear what he/she is saying, instead of getting wrapped up in your reactions.
3. When we become calm, we become empowered, and we can choose how we react. And that is real power.
A marriage that works with ease and supports you both is what paves the way for every other success in life. Do yourself and your family a favor and talk with us about our 2 Day Marriage Restoration Retreat so that your marriage becomes a refuge instead of a frustration!
