Marriage Intensives & Online Counseling | Imago Therapy โ€“ The Marriage Restoration Project

How to Stop Fight-or-Flight Reactions in Your Marriage

When you feel stressed, itโ€™s hard to make conscious and informed decisions. Instead, your brain shifts into fight-or-flight modeโ€”reacting automatically rather than thoughtfully.

In relationships, these reactions often look like:

  • Yelling

  • Shutting down

  • Silent treatment

  • Walking out

The problem? Your spouse has their own fight/flight response, which often gets triggered by yours. This creates a cycle of reactivity and disconnection.

The good news: you can break this cycle by learning how to create emotional safety in your conversations.

Why Emotional Safety Matters in Marriage

When weโ€™re in fight-or-flight, weโ€™re using the โ€œreptilian brain,โ€ designed for survival, not connection. In marriage, this leads to misunderstandings, defensive arguments, and emotional withdrawal.

By creating emotional safety, you calm your nervous system and bring your โ€œwhole brainโ€ onlineโ€”so you can actually hear, understand, and connect with your partner.

Common Triggers and How They Affect Your Marriage

  • Stress at work or home โ€“ spilling over into your interactions.

  • Anxiety โ€“ leading to lashing out or shutting down.

  • Unexpected conflict โ€“ catching your spouse off guard.

When you react impulsively, your partner feels unsafe. In turn, they withdraw or react defensivelyโ€”deepening the disconnect.

How to Calm Fight-or-Flight Responses in Your Relationship

1. Pause Before Reacting

If youโ€™re feeling anxious, resist the urge to โ€œdumpโ€ everything on your spouse right away. Take a few breaths or a short walk first.

2. Ask for an โ€œAppointmentโ€

In Imago therapy, partners learn to check in before launching into something difficult. A simple, โ€œIs now a good time to talk?โ€ gives your spouse space to prepare and listen with more presence.

3. Practice Mirroring

When your partner shares something upsetting, instead of reacting, mirror back what you heard. For example:

  • Partner: โ€œI feel like youโ€™re not listening.โ€

  • You: โ€œI hear you saying you feel Iโ€™m not listening. Did I get that right?โ€

This slows the conversation, calms your brain, and reassures your partner.

4. Breathe and Self-Regulate

Deep breathing and finding inner quiet helps you stay grounded while listening. When you stay calm, youโ€™re more empowered to choose your response rather than react automatically.

Why This Matters for a Stronger Marriage

When couples build emotional safety, they:

  • Break the cycle of reactivity.

  • Feel heard and understood instead of dismissed.

  • Create a marriage that feels like a refuge, not a battleground.

At The Marriage Restoration Project, we help couples practice these tools in our 2 Day Marriage Restoration Retreatsโ€”intensives designed to help you rebuild safety, trust, and connection quickly and effectively.

Key Takeaways

  • Stress often triggers fight-or-flight reactions, leading to conflict and disconnection in marriage.

  • Emotional safety calms the nervous system, making space for true connection.

  • Techniques like asking for an โ€œappointment,โ€ mirroring, and breathing help couples respond instead of react.

  • A marriage built on emotional safety becomes a supportive refuge that strengthens every area of life.

Sources

  1. Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

  2. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.

  3. Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2005). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martinโ€™s Griffin.

  4. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishing.

  5. The Marriage Restoration Project. (n.d.). Marriage Intensives and Counseling Retreats. Retrieved from themarriagerestorationproject.com

Picture of Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin

Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is an Imago relationship therapist and certified (master level) Imago workshop presenter with over 20 years of experience hosting couples therapy retreats in-person and online.

Picture of Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin

Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is an Imago relationship therapist and certified (master level) Imago workshop presenter with over 20 years of experience hosting couples therapy retreats in-person and online.

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