Recently a client reached out and said “I’m married to a narcissistic husband, please help!” We helped her and her husband identify behavioral patterns and learn to create emotional safety using the Imago communication method. Here’s another question from a wife about whether or not her husband has narcissistic personality disorder and how it is affecting their relationship.
“Have you ever seen any successful resolution of conflict with anyone who is highly narcissistic. My husband has not been professionally diagnosed, (he considers all psychology to be rubbish) and will not agree to go for help. He blames me for our marital problems. If I read articles about living with a narcissist, I identify with 90% of everything they describe. It is scary how similar my reality is to what I have read about people with this disorder. I definitely think my husband has narcissistic personality disorder.” – anonymous client
It is difficult for the person accusing someone of having a personality disorder to understand that their behavior toward the person may be causing them to lash out because they feel vulnerable and backed into a corner. While narcissism is technically a psychological condition, accusing your partner continuously of having a personality disorder is not going to yield the results you want. In fact, it is likely to tear whatever connection you have left completely apart.
“This all sounds great, but isn’t it only relevant when you are dealing with “normal”? I can’t see how any of this is relevant to someone who is pathologically narcissistic. I am interested in your feedback.” – anonymous client
Thanks for your question. I have worked with couples where one spouse was diagnosed by other professionals as a narcissist. I do find that this work can be effective even in situations where one spouse is not “normal”.
It really depends on whether the spouse is willing to work on the relationship. It can take a lot of time and effort but eventually the situation can change.
While I don’t generally do not like to diagnose, I have seen situations where one spouse was so “over the top” that I was certain he/she she had a personality disorder. That same spouse eventually made great progress.
It’s hard in your situation if your husband will not agree to go for help and blames you. The only thing you can do is work on saving your marriage by yourself.
It is possible he could change in response to your changes.
Have you ever read How to Improve Your Marriage without talking about it by Pat Love? You may find it helpful. You may also want to think about his childhood and have compassion for him.
Understand his hurts and what may have made him so self-absorbed. He is trying to protect himself.
I acknowledge this may be difficult, especially if he is being horrible. At the same time, there are deeper reasons to explain his behavior and if you can get in touch with those, even on your own, you may be able to be less affected by his behavior which will actually help improve it as you will be able to remain engaged in relationship.
More inspiration about living with a narcissistic spouse:
It is certainly frustrating and painful to have a spouse who isn’t interested in getting help and who blames you for all of the problems. In this case, the only thing you can do is to be the best you can be and hope to see him respond positively.
