by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC — Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Certified Imago Relationship Therapist & Workshop Presenter
You ask, we answer. When your husband or wife says they want a divorce, panic can take over. The instinct is to plead, argue, and pursue. In this episode of Can This Marriage Be Saved?, Rabbi Shlomo and Rivka Slatkin outline a calmer, more effective path: stop chasing, create safety, take real responsibility, and invite hope back into the relationship.
🎧 Listen to the full episode: How to Win Your Spouse Back (Without Chasing)
Hear Shlomo and Rivka walk through the 180, taking responsibility, and what to do if there’s a third party.
First: Don’t React—Regulate
When your spouse says they want out, reactions and pursuit often push them further away. Slow down, breathe, and respond thoughtfully. This is especially crucial if you’re the “hailstorm” (the partner who pursues under stress) and your spouse is the “turtle” (withdraws to feel safe). Space + steadiness = first glimmer of safety.
Try this (“the 180”):
- Pause pursuing, pleading, and persuading.
- Offer warm, brief, non-demanding communication.
- Prioritize calm routines, sleep, nutrition, and exercise to reduce reactivity.
- Keep agreements. Consistency > grand gestures.
Take Responsibility (Without Self-Attacking)
Your spouse’s complaints point to unmet needs. You don’t need to agree with every detail to own your side:
- “I’ve been critical/controlling; that’s pushed you away.”
- “I’ve been absent—too focused on work. You felt unseen.”
- “I’ve been nagging; you felt like nothing was ever enough.”
Ownership ≠ blame. It’s leadership. It shows you’re capable of change—often the only thing that reopens the door.
Use Positive Bids that Match Their Love Language
Map your spouse’s complaints to love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, physical touch).
Then shift behavior quietly and consistently:
- If they’ve begged for appreciation → daily, specific affirmation.
- If they’ve wanted time → schedule protected, low-pressure check-ins.
- If chores were a flashpoint → proactive acts of service without fanfare.
Understand the “Power Struggle”—and Why That’s Hopeful
Relationships aren’t broken because they’re hard; they’re hard because they’re growing you. The “power struggle” is normal—and workable—once you get conscious of patterns. Seeing the pattern together restores hope and momentum.
When a Third Party Is in the Way (Affair, Friend, or Even a Therapist)
If an affair or outside influence is steering your spouse, repair becomes harder. Many clinicians (us included) find active affairs must end for genuine repair to begin. If your spouse won’t end it, your work is steady self-leadership and clear boundaries, not pressure. Some couples still choose to work in therapy while an affair continues, but progress is typically limited until it stops.
Should You Go “No Contact”?
Space can help—but punitive silence backfires. Think “safe space” not “ice-out.”
- If emotions run hot, propose brief, predictable check-ins (logistics + a warm line like, “I’m committed to owning my part and moving carefully.”).
- If your spouse requests space, honor it while demonstrating change in daily life.
How to Talk About Getting Help (Without Pushing)
Invitation > pressure. Try:
“I’m taking responsibility for my part and learning skills to show up better. If you’re open, I’d value one structured conversation or a 2-day intensive for clarity—even if we only get closure.”
This honors their autonomy while signaling growth.
A Simple Repair Framework You Can Start Today
- Regulate first. Don’t discuss the relationship dysregulated.
- Name your part. One concrete behavior you’ll change this week.
- Make one matching bid (aligned to their love language).
- Create micro-safety: keep small promises for 14–30 days.
- Use a structured dialogue (Imago) weekly to listen, mirror, validate, and empathize.
- Invite—not insist on—help: a workshop or 2-day private intensive.
When You’re Ready for Hands-On Help
- 2-Day Private Marriage Retreat: Work privately with Shlomo to surface patterns, rebuild safety, and make a plan—plus two months of follow-up to integrate gains.
- Getting the Love You Want® Workshop: Educational, high-impact weekend to learn the dialogue and re-establish connection.
- Free Guide—Why Your Marriage Isn’t What It Used to Be: A primer on the stages of a relationship and why the “power struggle” is the doorway to growth.
Key Takeaways
- Don’t chase. Calm space and consistency rebuild safety.
- Own your part. Responsibility (not self-blame) reopens hope.
- Match their needs. Align bids with their love language.
- Name the pattern. Understanding the power struggle restores momentum.
- Affair present? Boundaries + clarity; most progress starts when it ends.
- Structure wins. Imago Dialogue creates safety to actually hear each other.
FAQ
Q: My spouse wants a divorce. Should I beg them to try again?
A: No. Pursuit usually pushes further away. Regulate, offer calm space, own your part, and invite (don’t pressure) a structured next step.
Q: Does “no contact” help during separation?
A: Punitive no contact hurts. Limited, predictable, respectful communication plus consistent behavior change helps most.
Q: What if there’s an active affair?
A: Real repair typically requires ending the affair. You can work on self-leadership and boundaries while inviting your spouse to clarity-focused help.
Q: We tried counseling for years and it didn’t work. Now what?
A: Approach matters. Intensives and structured methods (like Imago Dialogue) often unlock safety and insight faster than unstructured talk.
Q: How long does it take to see change?
A: You can feel small shifts in weeks when safety returns and behaviors change consistently; deeper trust rebuilds over months.
Sources & Further Reading
- Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2019). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.
- Chapman, G. (2015). The 5 Love Languages.
- The Marriage Restoration Project: Why Your Marriage Isn’t What It Used to Be (free 7-page guide).
- Imago Relationships International — Imago Dialogue overview.
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