(Why “Selfish Relationship Advice” Doesn’t Work)
By Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC
Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor & Certified Imago Therapist
If you’ve ever been told “just let go of whatever makes you unhappy—even if that means your spouse,” you’ve heard what we call selfish relationship advice.
It’s a modern mantra that sounds empowering on social media but can quietly destroy marriages. In this episode of Can This Marriage Be Saved?, we explain why walking away from discomfort isn’t the same as healing—and why real growth happens inside relationships, not outside them.
What Is “Selfish Relationship Advice”?
“Selfish relationship advice” tells you that freedom equals leaving—
that happiness means detaching from anything (or anyone) who’s difficult.
You’ve probably heard versions of it:
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“If your spouse doesn’t make you happy, move on.”
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“You’re courageous to leave what no longer serves you.”
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“Stop wasting your time trying to change someone else.”
While it’s understandable that friends and even therapists want to ease your pain, this advice misses a crucial truth:
We’re born in connection, wounded in connection, and we can only be healed through connection.
This idea comes from Harville Hendrix, founder of Imago Relationship Therapy, and it forms the backbone of The Marriage Restoration Project.
Why “Just Focus on Yourself” Backfires
If your spouse has been disengaged, uninterested in therapy, or resistant to change, it’s natural to turn inward:
“I’ll just work on myself. I’ll do yoga. I’ll meditate. I’ll go out with friends. I’ll focus on self-care.”
That’s healthy to a point—until it becomes another form of avoidance.
Many people begin to look down on their partner, seeing themselves as more “evolved” or “spiritual,” which only increases emotional distance.
As Rivka says in the episode:
“It’s easy to feel enlightened when you’re on a mountaintop or at a personal growth seminar—but real growth happens when you come home and deal with your kids, your spouse, and the daily grind.”
Self-work without relational accountability can become spiritual bypassing—the illusion of growth without real transformation.
Marriage as the Crucible for Growth
True healing doesn’t come from isolation.
It comes from learning how to stay compassionate and non-judgmental toward your spouse—even when they frustrate you.
Your marriage is the crucible where you’re forged into a more whole person.
Every complaint your spouse has about you, every reaction that triggers you, is an invitation to grow.
“A truly enlightened person doesn’t judge their spouse. They can feel upset, yes—but they seek to understand rather than condemn.”
— Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, Can This Marriage Be Saved?
That’s why leaving your spouse in the name of “self-growth” can actually stall your emotional evolution. The parts of you that need healing—patience, empathy, humility—can only develop through contact with another imperfect human.
How to Practice “Relational Self-Growth” (When You’re the Only One Trying)
If your spouse isn’t on board, here’s how to begin your side of the healing process:
1. See Your Spouse’s Pain
Even if they seem cold or disinterested, ask: What might they be carrying?
Most withdrawal comes from pain or fear, not malice. Compassion—not contempt—creates safety.
2. Ask “What’s My Contribution?”
It’s not about blame—it’s about ownership.
Even if you’re not yelling or nagging, what subtle tone, body language, or emotional distance might trigger your spouse to retreat? Getting curious (not critical) breaks the cycle.
3. Release Judgment
You can acknowledge disappointment without disdain.
Let go of the internal narrative that paints your spouse as a “child” or “lost cause.” That judgment only locks both of you in your roles.
4. Cultivate Compassionate Patience
When you meet your spouse’s resistance with steadiness rather than anger, you change the emotional climate of the relationship.
You model the emotional maturity that encourages re-engagement.
5. Redefine Enlightenment
Growth isn’t measured by how calm you feel when you’re alone—it’s measured by how kind, grounded, and loving you are when you’re triggered.
That’s where transformation happens.
Why Connection Is Still Possible
Even if your partner refuses therapy or self-help, the path forward is not hopeless.
The 10-Step Win Your Spouse Back Challenge (featured in the episode) helps you re-engage your spouse through small, safe, consistent actions—not pressure or ultimatums.
Because the real measure of progress isn’t how much they change—it’s how you show up while they haven’t.
Key Takeaways
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“Let go of what makes you unhappy” is incomplete advice; connection is where real growth happens.
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Self-care matters, but relational care transforms.
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You can begin healing even if your spouse is disengaged—by shifting from judgment to compassion.
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True enlightenment is measured in how you love through difficulty, not how peacefully you escape it.
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Marriage is not a barrier to self-growth—it’s the laboratory where it’s forged.
FAQ
Q: What if my spouse refuses to change?
You can’t control their participation, but you can influence the dynamic by removing judgment and approaching with compassion. Many partners soften once they no longer feel shamed or “fixed.”
Q: Isn’t it unhealthy to stay if they’re not trying?
If there’s no abuse, withdrawal alone doesn’t mean it’s over. Many couples reignite connection after one partner begins showing empathy instead of anger. But if there’s emotional or physical harm, prioritize safety.
Q: What if self-care makes me happier without them?
Self-care is healthy. The goal isn’t to abandon it—but to integrate it with relational empathy so it doesn’t become a wall between you.
Q: How long should I try before I give up?
There’s no fixed timeline. Try consistent compassion and curiosity for at least several weeks. If nothing changes, you’ll still emerge stronger and clearer about your next steps.
Sources & References
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Hendrix, H. & Hunt, H. (2019). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.
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Gottman, J. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
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Wile, D. (2008). After the Honeymoon: How Conflict Can Improve Your Relationship.
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Slatkin, S. (2024). Can This Marriage Be Saved? Podcast — “Selfish Relationship Advice” episode.
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The Marriage Restoration Project (https://themarriagerestorationproject.com)
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