How to save a marriage when he wants out

Your husband says—or shows—that he wants out. He’s withdrawn, quiet, and not sharing his feelings. You’re nervous and maybe even wondering if there’s someone else. This is one of the most frightening moments in a marriage, but the way you respond now can make a difference in whether the relationship survives.

While panic is a natural reaction, research shows that high-intensity emotional pursuit often pushes a withdrawing partner even further away¹. If you want to increase the chances he’ll stay, your best first step is to give him space—without completely disengaging.

Understanding the “Turtle and Hailstorm” Dynamic

In many distressed marriages, one partner tends to withdraw under stress (the Turtle) while the other tends to pursue and protest the disconnection (the Hailstorm)². Although either gender can be in either role, men are often socialized to withdraw in conflict.

• The Turtle retreats when he feels unsafe or emotionally overwhelmed. This pattern often develops in childhood as a way to protect himself and get his needs met in unpredictable environments³.

• The Hailstorm reacts to disconnection by increasing intensity—raising her voice, repeating requests, or pushing for answers. This behavior is usually driven by fear of abandonment or feeling unseen⁴.

When a Hailstorm increases pursuit, the Turtle increases withdrawal, creating a painful cycle that leaves both partners feeling misunderstood and unsafe⁵.

Why Giving Him Space Matters

If you’re in the Hailstorm role, this advice may feel counterintuitive. Your instincts might tell you to talk more, get answers, and “fix it now.” But the research on demand–withdraw patterns is clear: pursuing behaviors can escalate tension and reduce the likelihood of constructive communication⁶.

Instead, become a safe, non-threatening presence. This doesn’t mean ignoring your needs—it means creating the emotional conditions where your husband feels safe enough to open up without fearing criticism or retaliation.

Practical Steps to Reconnect When He’s Pulling Away

1. Lower the Emotional Temperature

When tension is high, focus on calm, non-accusatory interactions. Even short, positive exchanges can help rebuild trust over time⁷.

2. Learn the Imago Dialogue

The Mirroring process from Imago Relationship Therapy can help break the Turtle–Hailstorm cycle. Here’s how it works:

1. Mirror: Repeat back what you hear without judgment.

2. Validate: Show you understand his perspective, even if you don’t agree.

3. Empathize: Imagine how he might feel and name that feeling.

Studies on structured dialogue techniques like Imago show that they can reduce defensiveness and increase emotional safety in couples under stress⁸.

3. Focus on Emotional Safety Before Problem-Solving

When a partner is in withdrawal, problem-solving conversations often fail. Your priority is to make him feel heard and safe enough to share his inner world⁹. Once safety is restored, deeper conversations about the relationship can happen.

Key Takeaways

• If your husband wants out, avoid high-intensity pursuit—it usually deepens withdrawal.

• Recognize the Turtle–Hailstorm dynamic and how it fuels disconnection.

• Shift your focus from “fixing” to creating emotional safety.

• Use structured dialogue, like the Imago Mirroring process, to encourage openness.

• Once safety is rebuilt, more productive conversations and repairs become possible.

Sources

• Eldridge, K. A., Sevier, M., Jones, J., Atkins, D. C., & Christensen, A. (2007). Demand–withdraw communication in severely distressed, moderately distressed, and nondistressed couples: Rigidity and polarity during relationship and personal problem discussions. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(2), 218–226. ↩

• Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2013). Making Marriage Simple: Ten Truths for Changing the Relationship You Have into the One You Want. Harmony Books. ↩

• Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press. ↩

• Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Routledge. ↩

• Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books. ↩

• Schrodt, P., Witt, P. L., & Shimkowski, J. R. (2014). A meta‐analytical review of the demand/withdraw pattern of interaction and its associations with individual, relational, and communicative outcomes. Communication Monographs, 81(3), 281–314. ↩

• Baucom, B. R., Atkins, D. C., Simpson, L. E., & Christensen, A. (2009). Predicting marital satisfaction over time in distressed and non-distressed couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 77(5), 944–955. ↩

• Luquet, W. H. (2015). Short-Term Couples Therapy: The Imago Model in Action. Routledge. ↩

• Finkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., & Larson, G. M. (2014). The suffocation of marriage: Climbing Mount Maslow without enough oxygen. Psychological Inquiry, 25(1), 1–41. ↩

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