When your spouse says something that stings, do you find yourself reacting, defending, or shutting down? You might think you’re a good listener, but the real difference between couples who stay connected and couples who drift apart often comes down to how they listen.
On relationship forums like Reddit, many partners ask: “How do I stop getting defensive when my spouse criticizes me?” or “What’s the difference between hearing my spouse and really listening?” If you’ve asked yourself those questions, you’re not alone.
Let’s compare the two approaches—defensive listening vs. curious, active listening—and why one can save your marriage while the other keeps you stuck.
Defensive Listening: Why It Breaks Connection
When couples bring up frustrations, the listener often feels attacked—even if their partner isn’t trying to blame them. This triggers reactivity:
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Jumping in to defend yourself
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Explaining why your spouse is wrong
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Shutting down to avoid more criticism
Research shows that defensiveness is one of the key behaviors that predicts divorce when left unchecked . It makes your spouse feel dismissed and unsafe to share.
Active Listening with Curiosity: The Better Option
Instead of defending yourself, what if you got curious?
Curiosity shifts your brain from threat mode to connection mode. In Imago Dialogue, one of the frameworks we use, partners are taught to:
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Mirror what they hear (“What I’m hearing is…”).
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Validate the other’s perspective (“I can see why that would upset you”).
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Empathize with their feelings (“That must feel really overwhelming”).
This structure helps calm reactivity, increases safety, and makes partners feel deeply heard. Studies on couples therapy confirm that active listening and validation significantly improve marital satisfaction and conflict resolution .
Why Curiosity Works
Frustration in marriage is rarely about the current situation—it’s usually about what it triggers from the past. One study on attachment found that unresolved childhood wounds often reappear in marital conflict .
So when your wife criticizes you, or your husband seems to ignore you, your strong reaction might be connected to earlier hurts. Getting curious opens the door to understanding why your partner feels the way they do—and why you’re reacting so strongly.
Instead of saying, “You’re overreacting,” try:
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“Is there more you want me to understand?”
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“Did I get that right?”
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“Can you tell me more about what this means for you?”
When your spouse feels truly heard, their defensiveness softens too.
Related Questions Couples Often Ask
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How do I stop taking my spouse’s complaints so personally?
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Is active listening enough to fix our fights?
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What if my partner won’t listen back?
The truth: even one partner practicing active listening can begin to shift the dynamic. But learning structured tools together—like Imago Dialogue—creates the biggest transformation.
Key Takeaways
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Defensive listening increases conflict and disconnection.
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Active listening with curiosity builds safety, trust, and empathy.
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Structured methods like Imago Dialogue help couples break old cycles and create new ways of connecting.
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The next time your spouse brings up a frustration, pause the urge to defend yourself—and get curious instead.
Sources
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Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony.
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Miller, R. B., et al. (2003). “Marital satisfaction and active listening skills.” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.
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Fife, S. T., et al. (2014). “The role of validation in intimate relationships.” Family Process.
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Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice. Guilford Press.
👉 Next step: Explore our Imago Dialogue Script or learn more about our Private 2-Day Marriage Retreats where we teach these tools in a safe, guided environment.
