One of the most painful phrases you can ever hear in a marriage is: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
When your spouse says this, it’s easy to panic. You may feel desperate to convince them to stay, explain how much you love them, or do whatever it takes to “win them back.” But here’s the surprising truth: sometimes the harder you try, the more you push your spouse away.
So how do you get your spouse back when they’ve pulled away emotionally? The answer may feel counterintuitive: stop trying so hard. Instead of chasing, pleading, or over-explaining, one of the best ways to reconnect is by giving them the space to sort through their own feelings.
This is one of the key steps we teach in our 10 Step Challenge to Win Your Spouse Back—and it has helped many couples rebuild connection even after deep disconnection.
Why Trying Too Hard Can Backfire
When your spouse feels distant, your instinct may be to close the gap—call more, text more, ask more questions. But often, this makes them feel pressured and reinforces their desire to pull away.
It’s not that your love is the problem. It’s that closeness can’t be forced. Research shows that excessive pursuit when one partner withdraws often leads to an intensified “pursue–withdraw” cycle that damages intimacy¹. By giving your spouse the space to breathe, you create the opportunity for them to miss you, reflect, and choose to re-engage on their own terms.
What “Not Trying” Really Means
Let’s be clear—“not trying” doesn’t mean ignoring your spouse, allowing them to drift away, or tolerating unhealthy behavior. It means:
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Respecting their space while showing calm consistency.
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Working on yourself—your growth, your calmness, your confidence.
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Avoiding pressure (pleading, ultimatums, desperate texts).
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Showing love in small ways without strings attached.
Attachment research suggests that partners are more likely to return to a relationship when they feel both safe and respected². This approach often surprises spouses. Instead of seeing you as reactive or needy, they begin to notice your steadiness and strength—and that opens the door for renewed attraction and respect.
This approach is similar to what marriage expert Michele Weiner-Davis calls the “180 Strategy” in her book Divorce Busting⁶.
When Midlife Crisis or Blame Is Involved
Sometimes, your spouse’s pulling away isn’t about you at all. It may be connected to a midlife crisis, stress, or personal struggles. In those cases, they may try to put the blame on you—when the real issue lies within them.
Experts note that during midlife transitions, people often project dissatisfaction outward, even onto their spouse³. While it’s tempting to argue or defend yourself, patience often works better. By standing steady instead of chasing, you show that you’re not the problem—nor are you going anywhere.
FAQs on Winning Your Spouse Back
How do I get my wife back when she says she’s not in love anymore?
Give her space, avoid pressure, and focus on your own growth. Many spouses rediscover attraction when they see change happening naturally, not forced.
Is it possible to fix my marriage on my own?
Yes. While both partners must eventually engage, one person can start change by shifting their behavior, communication, and responses⁵.
What should I avoid when trying to get my spouse back?
Avoid begging, making promises you can’t keep, or flooding them with affection they’re not ready to receive. Those behaviors often push them further away.
Does “no contact” work in marriage like it does in dating?
Not exactly. Instead of cutting off contact, practice respectful presence—give space while staying open, calm, and connected in small, non-demanding ways.
What is the 180 Strategy and does it work?
The 180 Strategy, developed by marriage expert Michele Weiner-Davis in Divorce Busting⁶, encourages you to do the opposite of what hasn’t been working. Instead of chasing, pleading, or arguing, you shift focus back to your own growth, independence, and calmness. This change often surprises your spouse and can reignite respect and attraction. Many people on forums like Reddit report that the 180 helped them stop destructive patterns and regain clarity. While not a guarantee, it can be a powerful reset when combined with professional guidance or structured steps like our 10 Step Challenge to Win Your Spouse Back.
Final Thoughts
Hearing “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” feels like the end of the world. But it doesn’t have to be. Many marriages have come back from this moment stronger than ever.
Sometimes the best way to get your spouse back without even trying is by letting go of the chase, focusing on your own growth, and giving them the space to rediscover the love they once felt.
If you’re ready to learn the exact steps, check out our 10 Step Challenge to Win Your Spouse Back—a practical, proven roadmap to guide you through this painful season and toward hope.
More resources for you on how to get your spouse back without even trying:
- I want my wife back.
- 4 Ways to Improve Your Marriage All By Yourself: When Your Spouse Isn’t Interested
- How can I fix my marriage by myself?
- Is your spouse unwilling to go to counseling with you?
Must Read Article on How to win him/her back
This New York times article on getting a husband back is an oldie but goodie that shows how you can survive during this difficult time, and even get your spouse back without even trying too hard.
Sources
¹ Christensen, Andrew & Heavey, Christopher L. “Gender and Social Structure in the Demand/Withdraw Pattern of Marital Conflict.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1990.
² Johnson, Susan. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark, 2008.
³ Wethington, Elaine. “Expecting Stress: Americans and the ‘Midlife Crisis’.” Motivation and Emotion, vol. 24, no. 2, 2000.
⁴ Lyons, Charles. “How to Get a Husband Back.” The New York Times, 1985.
⁵ Gottman, John & Silver, Nan. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books, 1999.
