If you’re suffering in your relationship and feeling lonely, you may be tempted to reach out to someone outside your marriage—with or without the intention of having an affair.
Maybe someone at work is paying attention to you.
Maybe you’re tempted to look up an old Facebook friend or chat online.
It feels harmless at first… but it isn’t.
Here’s the truth: having an affair won’t solve your marriage lull. In fact, it almost always makes things worse—leaving you with deeper pain, broken trust, and sometimes irreversible damage.
Why Affairs Feel Tempting
-
Chemical attraction: Research shows that when you spend time alone with someone, your brain can release bonding hormones (dopamine, oxytocin) that create feelings of “falling in love”—even if you’re happily married.1
-
Temporary escape: Boredom or loneliness in marriage makes the thrill of secrecy feel exciting.
-
Illusion of a better match: Affairs often recreate the “honeymoon stage,” where flaws are invisible, and reality is distorted.
But affairs are like “temporary insanity.” Logic, long-term consequences, and even family responsibilities are overshadowed by brain chemistry.
The Problem with Affairs
-
They don’t address the real issues in your marriage.
-
They create secrecy and betrayal that erode trust.
-
They may cost you your marriage, family stability, finances, and self-respect.
-
They replace one set of problems with another—your fling will eventually move from romance to power struggle, just like your marriage did.
As Drs. Pat Love and Steven Stosny note in How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, “the chemicals in your brain can fool you into falling in love with someone else—even when your heart is still in your marriage.”2
What to Do Instead of Cheating
1. Don’t Exit—Invest
You made a commitment for good times and bad. Right now may feel bad—but this is the moment to turn toward your spouse, not away.
2. Name Your Needs Safely
Use “I” statements:
-
“I feel lonely.”
-
“I miss our closeness.”
-
“I want us to rebuild what we had.”
3. Work on Communication
Learn to talk in a way that feels safe—without blame, criticism, or shame. Structured tools like intentional dialogue help rebuild trust.
4. Reignite Connection
-
Go on a trip together.
-
Try new hobbies.
-
Date each other again.
Changing the scenery often helps change the cycle.
5. Get Support Before It’s Too Late
If you’ve already crossed boundaries or feel close to it, an emergency intervention like a 2-Day Marriage Therapy Retreat can stop the downward spiral and help you reconnect.
Affair vs. Rebuilding Your Marriage: A Side-by-Side Look
When you’re lonely or unfulfilled, it can feel like you only have two choices: escape into an affair, or stay stuck in the same cycle. But there’s a third option—actively rebuilding your marriage.
Here’s how they compare:
| Path | Short-Term Effects | Long-Term Consequences | Healthier Alternative |
|---|---|---|---|
| Having an Affair | Feels exciting, offers temporary validation, mimics “falling in love” chemicals | Breaks trust, damages family bonds, financial/emotional fallout, guilt, pain | — |
| Staying Stuck | Avoids immediate conflict, feels “safe” in the short run | Loneliness deepens, resentment grows, risk of drifting further apart | — |
| Rebuilding the Marriage (Recommended) | Requires vulnerability, communication, and effort | Restores trust, deepens intimacy, creates lasting safety and connection | ✅ Tools like intentional dialogue and 2-Day Marriage Retreats fast-track this process |
Bottom line: An affair only gives you temporary escape. Rebuilding your marriage gives you lasting connection.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to think about having an affair?
Yes. Many spouses wonder about it when they feel lonely or unfulfilled. What matters is what you do next. Thinking is a signal to take action inside your marriage—not outside it.
Why do people risk their marriages for affairs?
Because affairs mimic the “falling in love” chemicals of early romance. It feels intoxicating, but it’s not sustainable.
Can an affair ever make a marriage better?
No. While some couples repair and grow after infidelity, it’s the healing process—not the affair—that creates growth. The affair itself only damages trust.
What should I do if I’m tempted right now?
Pause. Confide in a safe friend, counselor, or therapist—not the person you’re tempted by. Redirect that energy into addressing what’s missing in your marriage.
Key Takeaways
-
Yes, you may love your spouse and still feel tempted—but affairs don’t solve the problem.
-
Affairs are fueled by brain chemistry and boredom, not real compatibility.
-
The fallout—broken trust, family disruption, financial strain—is far worse than the temporary thrill.
-
The better path is to repair, not replace: safe communication, intentional reconnection, and professional support.
-
A structured program like our 2-Day Marriage Retreat can help you restore connection fast—before things go too far.
Sources:
-
Acevedo, B. P., & Aron, A. (2009). Does a long-term relationship kill romantic love? Review of General Psychology, 13(1), 59–65. ↩
-
Love, P., & Stosny, S. (2007). How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Broadway Books. ↩
Further Reading:
- When your spouse has an emotional affair
- Infidelity counseling: What you can learn from affairs
- Learn how to spice up your marriage
- How to fix a sexless marriage
- Affair repair worksheets
