Growing Apart Once Married? Should You Heal First or Learn to Grow Together?
When couples first marry, they often imagine a lifetime of connection and intimacy. But over time, many find themselves asking: “Why do we feel like we’re growing apart once married?”
It’s a painful realization—and one that shows up often in forums and long-tail searches. Some people wonder if they should have “healed themselves first” before marrying. Others ask whether it’s possible to heal and grow together inside the marriage. The truth? Both perspectives matter, and understanding how to balance them is the key to preventing emotional drift.
Why Do Couples Grow Apart Once Married?
Growing apart doesn’t usually happen overnight. It’s often the result of unresolved issues from childhood, unspoken needs, or changes in personal goals. Over time, these differences can make you feel like roommates rather than romantic partners.
- Unhealed wounds resurface: Past hurts often reemerge in marriage because your partner unintentionally triggers the same emotional injuries you experienced as a child .
- Shifting priorities: Career, parenting, or personal growth can move one partner in a different direction than the other.
- Lack of intentional connection: Without routines that nurture intimacy, it’s easy to drift into parallel lives.
The good news? Growing apart doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage. It can be an invitation to consciously choose one another again.
Heal First, or Heal Together?
This is one of the biggest questions couples wrestle with: Do I need to heal on my own before I can make my marriage work? Or is marriage the place where healing happens?
- The case for healing first: Doing individual work—through therapy, coaching, or self-reflection—can reduce the chances of bringing unchecked baggage into the relationship. For example, if you struggle with deep insecurity, working on that before expecting your partner to meet all your needs can prevent resentment later.
- The case for healing together: Marriage itself is designed to surface unfinished business. As Harville Hendrix, founder of Imago therapy, often said: “Marriage is the unfinished business of childhood.” Conflict becomes an opportunity to grow, provided you both commit to the process .
How Imago Therapy Bridges the Gap
Imago Relationship Therapy is built on the idea that conflict is growth trying to happen. When you feel like you’re growing apart, Imago provides structure to help you reconnect instead of withdraw.
- The Dialogue creates safety, slowing down reactivity so both partners feel heard.
- Mirroring, validation, and empathy uncover what’s really beneath your frustration, helping you see your spouse not as the enemy, but as someone holding the key to your healing .
- From “apart” to “together”: Instead of drifting further away, Imago helps transform moments of distance into opportunities for intimacy.
When Growing Apart Becomes a Red Flag
It’s important to note that not all situations should be navigated with “togetherness first.” If your marriage includes abuse, chronic betrayal, or unwillingness to engage in repair, safety must come before reconnection .
In those cases, healing individually or with a professional may need to precede—or even replace—joint work.
Practical Steps If You’re Growing Apart Once Married
- Check in weekly: Set aside time for meaningful conversation, not just logistics.
- Be curious, not defensive: Ask, “Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?” instead of shutting down.
- Balance self-care with couple-care: Personal growth makes you a better partner, but intentional couple rituals keep you connected.
- Seek structured help: Retreats or intensives often provide breakthroughs that weekly counseling can’t match.
Key Takeaways
- Growing apart once married is often a sign of unhealed wounds resurfacing, not incompatibility.
- Healing individually is valuable, but marriages thrive when couples are willing to grow together.
- Imago therapy offers tools to turn conflict into connection instead of disconnection.
- Safety comes first: in abusive or toxic situations, individual healing may be the necessary step.
- Marriage intensives and structured retreats can accelerate reconnection when you feel stuck.
Sources
American Psychological Association. (2022). Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship.
Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2004). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.
Real, T. (2002). How Can I Get Through to You? Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women.
Kayser, K. et al. (2014). “Couple Therapy and Relationship Education: What Works and Why.” Family Process.
