The first secret to successful dating and learning more about dating without drama: Know what you are looking for.
Did you ever get curious about why some people choose their spouse? There are thousands of possibilities, perhaps millions to choose from, but we settle on the one. Why did we pick him or her instead of someone else?
Have your friends tried setting you up on blind dates before? The guy sounds perfect. He clearly has everything on your “list”. You meet him and it’s a dud. Way off! Who would have put the two of you together? On paper it was perfect, but in reality it just didn’t work. Why wasn’t he the one?
Perhaps you inquired about a girl, but you are told she is not for you. It’s way off base, there is no way it will ever work. You go out anyway, you fall in love, and get married. What happened?
The reason why we pick one person over another, even though he/she may not match what we “know” we are looking for, is that he or she is what we are “really” looking for. Despite your conscious wish list, your real selection will usually be made unconsciously. If you understand this concept, you’ll be that sooner to mastering how to get married!
Your unconscious is looking for someone who feels very familiar, someone who is best equipped to meet your unmet needs. Back to the unmet needs in a moment…
This notion that your unconscious is making the selection is extremely important! Many singles limit their choices of potential marriage partners solely because they don’t meet up 100% to their conscious wish list. While there are certain values that one would never sacrifice, there is still some room for variation on such less important issues. Perhaps you don’t have to marry a guy who is exactly 6”1 or 165 pounds. When that room is eliminated, you may wind up rejecting individuals who could be potential soul mates because they don’t fit your specifications. Let your conscious be open to the wisdom of your unconscious.
Back to those unmet needs- What are they and why are we unconsciously looking to get them met?
Have you ever been around a crying baby? Unless you are a baby whisperer, you likely will not be able to read the baby’s cues100%. Perhaps the baby is hungry, or maybe he has a wet diaper, or just maybe she is overtired. No matter how great the parent, it is impossible to meet all of the baby’s needs. Mother can only do her best. As we grew up, our parents did the best job they possibly could, given the circumstances and the skills they possessed at the time, to meet out needs, yet no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t give us everything all of the time.
This leaves us having unmet needs. All of us need security, trust, visibility, to feel competent, and most of us probably did not get enough of it growing up. Some of us may have gotten much more than others, but we all could use a little more of it.
So how do we get those needs? Through marriage. Marriage is the golden opportunity to recreate that familiar environment, but this time you’ll have a chance to get it right, if you are conscious.
Do you remember the story of Adam and Eve: The Bible says, “It isn’t good for man to be alone”. It is through relationship that we have the ability to become whole. As the world is striving towards wholeness, so do we take part in the process of growth and change. Thus, we are unconsciously going to choose someone who feels familiar and will best enable us to grow and become complete.
Are you telling me to Date and ultimately Marry someone like my parents?
I am sure you weren’t expecting to hear that you marry your mother or your father, but it makes sense that you would be seeking something that feels familiar.
Take a deep breath and pause so you can begin to get more conscious about what type of relationships you are used to. As you learn about your past relationships, you will have a much clearer picture of the type of relationship you are unconsciously pursuing and get even closer to learning more about dating without drama.
As you take a deep breath, I would like to begin thinking about the messages you received as a child.
Now close your eyes and picture your parents…
did they talk?
Were they loving…. Or distant?
How did they work on finances?
Which one expressed anger?
Did Dad cry?
Did marriage seem to be hard work or was it easy?
Did your parents help you feel secure or smothered?
Did you get the message that you should always be happy?
Take all the time you need. When you are ready I would like you to write down three messages you got about relationships and how you want them to be. Three messages… talk all the time you need.
When you are ready, I would like you to think about a particular difficulty you witnessed or experienced in relationships in your family. As you remember that difficulty or incident, I would like you to think about how you responded? Did you try to solve the problem or did you avoid it?
You may need to take some time to reflect on these questions and that is more than ok. While you cannot predict with 100% accuracy who or how you will get married, by becoming more conscious about the relationships you witnessed growing up and the messages you received, you will be much better prepared to see the potential roadblocks that lie in the road towards commitment and marriage.
Have you ever wondered why 57% of those who remarry wind up getting divorced a second time? Is it always the other person’s fault? Or the woman who just seems to keep getting involved with abusive men? Why are these people attracting the same people time and time again?
When you become conscious about what you may be unconsciously looking for, you have the ability to choose and to leave behind self-destructive patterns as you learn more about yourself while you learn how to get married. As you do so, you will see yourself getting much more positive results.
To summarize- Dating without Drama – The First Secret of Successful dating is to Know what you are looking for.
- You choose our spouse over countless other partners because, unconsciously he/she is what you are really looking for.
- You are unconsciously looking for someone familiar to help fulfill your unmet needs. —
- Although your parents may have done a great job, they were not perfect and you could always use a little more support.
- By choosing a spouse who is familiar, you have the opportunity to get those needs met and become whole.
- Finally, becoming conscious of the messages you received about relationships will assist you in making conscious choices on the road towards successful dating and eventually in how to get married.
I’m looking forward to bringing you the next installment of Dating without Drama : The 5 Secrets for Successful Dating.Return to Dating Without Drama Lesson Home Page