In our marriage counseling practice, we’ve helped countless couples reignite their emotional and physical connection. Whether you’re a husband whose wife avoids intimacy or a wife whose husband has withdrawn, there are real solutions that can restore closeness, trust, and desire.
Few topics are as painful or confusing in marriage as when one partner no longer desires intimacy. You might feel rejected, unattractive, or even hopeless. But the truth is that sexless marriages are more common than most couples realize—and they are not necessarily the end of the relationship.
When Your Wife Doesn’t Want Intimacy
If your wife refuses or avoids sex, you are not alone—and there are compassionate, practical ways to help her reconnect physically and emotionally.
The following insights, adapted from Rivka Sidorsky, LCSW-C, a sex therapist we collaborate with, can help you understand what’s happening beneath the surface.
1. Ask Yourself: What Are You Doing Outside the Bedroom?
For many women, intimacy begins long before the bedroom. Affection, kind words, shared responsibilities, and small gestures throughout the day create the emotional safety that fuels desire.
When a woman feels seen, appreciated, and emotionally supported, physical closeness naturally follows.
2. Strengthen Your Emotional Relationship
A sexless marriage often reflects deeper emotional disconnection.
Do you argue frequently? Feel like roommates instead of partners? Are you on the same page about parenting or shared goals?
Emotional intimacy is the foundation for physical intimacy. The more emotionally attuned you become, the safer your partner will feel to open up physically.
3. Slow Down
Many women need time to transition into desire. Rushing intimacy can increase anxiety and resistance. Focus on long, gentle foreplay—touch, conversation, and affection without pressure.
Ask her what feels good and prioritize giving, not getting.
Becoming other-focused strengthens connection and often rekindles desire naturally.
4. Check for Physical Pain or Medical Issues
If your wife experiences discomfort or pain during intimacy, this can understandably lead to avoidance. Encourage her to speak with a gynecologist to rule out physical causes.
If pain persists, a sex therapist or pelvic floor specialist can help address both the physical and emotional aspects of healing.
5. Communicate Openly and Lovingly
Many couples avoid talking about intimacy for fear of rejection or conflict. Instead, schedule calm, distraction-free time to discuss your feelings.
Express your longing with love, not frustration.
“I miss feeling close to you and I’d love for us to reconnect.”
Even five minutes of honest, gentle conversation each day can open the door to rebuilding closeness.
When Your Husband Doesn’t Want Intimacy
If your husband shows little interest in sex, don’t assume he’s having an affair. While that’s one possibility, most often the reasons are emotional, psychological, or physical.
Here’s what to look for—and how to help.
1. Rule Out Exhaustion and Stress
Couples with young children, demanding jobs, or chronic fatigue often sacrifice intimacy simply because they’re exhausted.
If your spouse seems drained, focus first on rest and stress management before assuming deeper issues.
2. Consider Medication and Health Factors
Many antidepressants and blood pressure medications can lower libido. Encourage your partner to talk with his doctor about alternatives or supplements that support healthy sexual function.
Likewise, low testosterone or thyroid issues can affect desire—simple tests can help.
3. Watch for Depression or Emotional Withdrawal
Depression can cause loss of interest in everything, including sex. Look for signs like irritability, fatigue, or loss of motivation.
Treatment—through therapy, medication, or lifestyle changes—often restores desire once emotional balance improves.
4. Address Life Transitions and Self-Worth
Events like job loss, retirement, or grief can deeply affect a man’s sense of identity and masculinity. Shame and stress often show up as avoidance.
Gentle reassurance, empathy, and validation can help him feel emotionally safe again.
5. Rebuild Emotional Connection
If he feels criticized or dismissed, he may retreat. Many men who withdraw sexually are actually yearning for emotional safety and respect.
Reconnecting emotionally—through appreciation, validation, and curiosity—can reignite physical closeness.
Understanding Emotional and Physical Disconnection
Whether it’s a husband or wife withdrawing, lack of intimacy usually points to disconnection, not disinterest.
Physical affection, laughter, and small moments of appreciation help rebuild safety and desire.
In Imago Relationship Therapy, we teach couples that intimacy follows safety—and safety comes from empathy and presence.
What Can and Can’t Fix a Sexless Marriage
Some therapists and influencers suggest “opening” the marriage or finding external outlets to restore desire.
We strongly disagree. These solutions often deepen disconnection and dependency, making repair harder.
A healthy, monogamous marriage can be passionate again—if both partners address the emotional and physical roots of disconnection.
Why Sexual Health Reflects Marital Health
Our collaborating sex therapist often says:
“When sex is great, it’s 20% of the relationship. When sex is bad, it’s 80%.”
Physical intimacy mirrors emotional intimacy. When couples neglect their sexual connection, resentment, distance, and self-doubt often grow. When they nurture it, everything else improves.
How to Fix a Sexless Marriage: Two Proven Steps
1. Use the Imago Dialogue to Talk About Intimacy Safely
Schedule time to talk without blame or shame. Sit facing each other, remove distractions, and use the Imago Dialogue format—mirroring, validating, and empathizing.
The goal is not to “solve” the problem immediately, but to listen deeply and understand what each partner truly needs.
2. Create a Relationship Vision for Intimacy
Just as you plan for finances or family goals, create a shared Relationship Vision for your sexual and emotional life.
Discuss beliefs about monogamy, boundaries, and what intimacy means to each of you.
This helps prevent misunderstandings—and brings curiosity and openness back into your connection.
When to Seek Professional Help
If you’ve tried to reconnect but remain stuck, don’t wait until resentment hardens. A marriage counselor or sex therapist can help uncover emotional barriers, trauma, or communication breakdowns keeping you apart.
Our Private Marriage Intensive Retreats and Imago-Based Counseling Programs help couples rebuild emotional and physical intimacy quickly and safely—whether in person or online.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q1: Is a sexless marriage normal?
It’s common, but not ideal. Many couples experience periods of low desire, especially during stress, parenting, or illness. The key is communication and mutual effort to reconnect.
Q2: How long can a marriage survive without sex?
There’s no set timeline—but long-term lack of intimacy often leads to resentment or emotional drift. The sooner you address it, the easier it is to repair.
Q3: What if my spouse refuses therapy?
Start with self-work. Even one partner practicing empathy, validation, and calm communication can soften defensiveness and rebuild safety.
Q4: How can we restart intimacy after years of distance?
Start small—affection, touch, laughter. Reconnection begins emotionally, not physically. Structured therapy or an intensive retreat can help accelerate progress.
Key Takeaways
- A lack of intimacy is often a symptom of emotional disconnection—not disinterest.
- For wives, foreplay often begins with emotional safety and daily kindness.
- For husbands, stress, shame, or depression often reduce desire.
- Open, structured communication like the Imago Dialogue rebuilds safety and closeness.
- A thriving sex life reflects the overall health of your marriage.
Sources
- Sidorsky, R. (LCSW-C), Clinical Insights on Desire Discrepancy and Intimacy.
- Hendrix, H. & Hunt, H. (2019). Getting the Love You Want.
- American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). Guidelines on Low Desire in Long-Term Relationships.
- The Marriage Restoration Project. 5-Step Plan to a Happy Marriage.
