In this episode of Can This Marriage Be Saved?, Rabbi Shlomo and Rivka Slatkin dive into a simple but powerful question couples often ask:
“Why is marriage so hard?”
Marriage can feel confusing and overwhelming, especially when it seems like you’ve tried everything. But as Shlomo explains, the answer isn’t found in analyzing every little argument — it’s found in simplifying your relationship and returning to the core principles that make love last.
Why Your Marriage Feels So Complicated
At the start of the episode, Rivka admits she often overcomplicates things — a habit many of us can relate to.
“I tend to have ADHD and overcomplicate things. I’m really looking forward to hearing how people like me can simplify their marriages.”
Shlomo explains that this tendency to overthink is one of the biggest obstacles couples face. He often reminds clients that although relationships seem complex, the core principles that make them work are actually few — and universal.
“There are some general principles—and there aren’t that many—that really help you understand your entire relationship. In the simplicity is the depth.”
Instead of dissecting every problem, Shlomo helps couples focus on patterns and principles that apply to every relationship. Once they do, things that once felt confusing suddenly make sense.
What Makes Marriage Feel So Hard
1. We Get Lost in the Details
It’s tempting to zoom in on every disagreement — who said what, who’s right or wrong — but that only leads to frustration. The real work is understanding why the conflict happened in the first place.
“Conflict is a call to connection,” Shlomo explains. “What is it that I’m not getting that I need? Why am I reacting this way?”
When couples understand that conflict is a signal, not a failure, the entire tone of their relationship shifts.
2. We Forget About Safety
Shlomo reminds listeners that when we don’t feel emotionally safe, we go into survival mode. Some of us withdraw like a turtle; others chase and criticize like a hailstorm. Either way, the cycle repeats until safety is restored.
That’s why one of the foundational principles in their work — and in Imago Relationship Therapy — is creating safety before anything else. Without it, no tool or strategy will work.
3. We Try to “Fix” the Wrong Things
Couples often think they need to fix each argument, but the real healing happens when they address the pattern.
That’s where the Imago Dialogue comes in — a structured conversation process that helps couples slow down, listen, and truly hear each other.
It might seem repetitive at first, but Shlomo explains that the structure itself creates calm and connection. It’s not about perfection; it’s about safety and understanding.
The Power of Simplicity in Love
Rivka reflects on what she’s learned from Shlomo’s grounded approach:
“You take out all the noise, all the drama, and get couples to focus on what’s really at issue—the love they have for each other and the connection that’s been missing.”
She admits that in the past, she saw Shlomo’s steady, one-path approach as boring — but over time, she’s come to see it as deeply healing. His simplicity has helped her calm her own “shiny object” tendencies and remember what matters most.
Simplifying Doesn’t Mean Settling
Shlomo emphasizes that simplifying your marriage isn’t about ignoring issues.
It’s about learning the few timeless principles that help couples handle any challenge — big or small.
“It’s not about being dependent on someone else to fix your problems,” he says.
“It’s about empowering yourself with the understanding and tools to work together better.”
Even couples who’ve been married for years can use these tools to navigate everyday stress. It’s not about never having conflict — it’s about knowing how to reconnect when you do.
Learn to Simplify Your Relationship
At the end of the episode, Rivka invites listeners to experience this work in person through the Getting the Love You Want Weekend Workshop in Towson, Maryland.
“You’ll discover why your relationship feels complicated and how to reconnect through simple, structured communication that works.”
Couples learn why they chose each other, how their early wounds show up in their marriage, and how to move from blame to understanding — all in a beautiful, supportive setting.
Key Takeaways
- Marriage feels hard when you focus on the details instead of the patterns.
- In simplicity lies the depth: understanding a few key principles transforms everything.
- Emotional safety is the foundation for every healthy relationship.
- The Imago Dialogue helps couples slow down, listen, and reconnect.
- Growth, not perfection, is the real goal of marriage.
FAQ
Q: Why does marriage feel harder than it used to?
A: Over time, life’s stressors and unhealed childhood patterns can make connection harder. Simplifying helps you return to the emotional safety you once had.
Q: How can I make marriage feel easier?
A: Stop trying to fix every argument. Focus on safety, understanding patterns, and using structured dialogue.
Q: What if my spouse doesn’t want therapy?
A: Try education first. Workshops like Getting the Love You Want focus on learning and growth — not blame — making them less intimidating.
Q: Can a simple approach really fix big issues?
A: Yes. Simplicity is powerful because it targets root causes rather than surface-level conflicts.
Sources
- Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2019). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin’s Griffin.
- Imago Relationships International — How the Imago Dialogue Works
- Slatkin, S. & Slatkin, R. (2024). Can This Marriage Be Saved? Podcast Episode — “Don’t Overcomplicate Your Marriage: Simplify It.”
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