Should I get a divorce after the kids move out?

It’s common to wake up one day, especially after a big life change like empty nest syndrome, and wonder:

“Do I still want to be with my spouse now that the kids are gone?”

Without the busyness of parenting, many couples suddenly face relationship challenges they had been too distracted to notice before. Maybe you’re less attracted to your spouse, frustrated by long-standing differences, or simply unsure what your marriage looks like now.

If you’re asking this question, you’re not alone. Let’s explore why these feelings come up and what you can do about them.

Why Divorce Thoughts Often Surface After the Kids Leave

When children leave home, couples lose their shared daily responsibilities. This shift often highlights:

• Unresolved conflicts that were easier to ignore when life was busy.

• Differences in values or goals that suddenly feel more glaring.

• Loss of connection because parenting was the main bond holding the couple together.

Research shows that empty nest syndrome can increase stress and dissatisfaction in marriages if couples don’t intentionally reconnect. What once felt tolerable can suddenly feel unbearable when the distractions are gone.

Is Divorce Really the Answer?

While it may feel tempting to walk away, often these feelings are not a sign that the marriage must end, but rather a wake-up call.

• You can’t expect your spouse to completely change at this stage of life, but you can create a safe space to talk and understand each other.

• Learning to communicate in ways that reduce reactivity and increase empathy can make a huge difference.

• Differences don’t have to end a marriage—when approached with respect, they can even enrich it.

Many couples who consider divorce at this stage find that with the right tools, they are able to rebuild connection and rediscover each other outside of parenting roles.

How Imago and the 5-Step Process Can Help

One powerful approach we use is Imago therapy, which teaches couples to:

1. Slow down reactive conversations.

2. Truly listen and reflect back what they hear.

3. Validate their partner’s feelings, even when they disagree.

4. Explore the deeper triggers behind surface-level frustrations.

5. Rebuild safety and respect as a foundation for growth.

This process helps partners finally feel heard, respected, and connected—even when their differences remain.

Reflect on Your Own Triggers

It’s important to also reflect on what your spouse’s behaviors bring up in you.

• Why does their lack of planning or structure feel so intolerable?

• Are you overcompensating by being the “thinking” spouse while they play the “feeling” role?

• Could this be an invitation for both of you to grow, rather than a dead end?

Sometimes what bothers us most in our spouse points to something we’ve disowned in ourselves. With guidance, you can use these triggers as opportunities for deeper connection.

FAQ: Divorce After the Kids Leave

Q1: Is it normal to think about divorce after the kids move out?
Yes. Many couples experience a period of questioning once parenting is no longer the central focus of their marriage. This is often linked to empty nest syndrome.

Q2: Does empty nest syndrome cause divorce?
Not directly. It tends to uncover existing conflicts or disconnect that were easier to ignore when children were at home.

Q3: Should I divorce if I feel disconnected from my spouse?
Not necessarily. Disconnection often signals that your marriage needs intentional repair and reconnection, not immediate divorce. Many couples rediscover closeness with the right tools.

Q4: How can therapy help at this stage of life?
Approaches like Imago therapy help partners reduce reactivity, listen deeply, validate one another, and explore the deeper triggers beneath conflict. This often leads to new intimacy even if long-standing differences remain.

Q5: What if my spouse and I are just too different?
Differences don’t automatically end marriages. When approached with respect, differences can actually enrich a relationship. Learning to balance roles (e.g., “thinker” vs. “feeler”) helps reduce resentment.

Q6: When is divorce the healthier choice?
If there are ongoing issues of abuse, repeated betrayal, or complete refusal to engage in rebuilding the relationship, separation may be necessary. Otherwise, feelings of disillusionment alone don’t mean a marriage can’t be repaired.

Divorce Thoughts After the Kids Move Out – What’s Really Going On?

Key Takeaways

• Divorce thoughts after the kids leave are common and often tied to empty nest syndrome.

• Many couples feel disillusioned when old differences resurface without the distractions of parenting.

• Divorce is not always the answer; with the right communication tools, many couples rediscover connection.

• Imago therapy and structured processes help partners reduce reactivity, listen deeply, and rebuild safety.

• Self-reflection is just as important—triggers often point to personal growth opportunities.

Sources

1. Parker, T. S. (2015). Empty nest syndrome: Loss, depression, and marital satisfaction in middle-aged couples. Journal of Family Issues, 36(11), 1455–1476.

2. Gioia, L. (2017). Reconnecting with your partner after children leave home. American Psychological Association.

3. Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2005). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin’s Griffin.

More inspiration on whether you should stay together or not:

• Did you marry the right person?
• Adjusting to retirement in marriage
• I don’t love my spouse anymore