Many couples ask: โWhat should we be focusing on most if we want our marriage to thrive?โ Some assume itโs all about conflict resolutionโand while resolving disagreements is certainly important, research shows itโs not the only skill that predicts long-term success1. One often overlooked element? Friendship in marriage.
Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman has found that couples who actively maintain a foundation of friendshipโshared fondness, admiration, and mutual respectโtend to weather challenges more effectively2.
This doesnโt mean friendship replaces the need for good conflict management. Instead, it works alongside it, creating a positive emotional climate that makes difficult conversations easier and less damaging.
Why Friendship Matters in Marriage
According to Gottmanโs research, described in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, couples who regularly invest in their friendship tend to:
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Build deeper intimacyโboth emotional and physicalโbecause they enjoy each otherโs company and feel genuinely connected3.
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Feel more loved and appreciated, increasing relationship satisfaction over time4.
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Maintain a healthy โemotional bank accountโ by having more positive than negative interactions. In fact, Gottmanโs โmagic ratioโ suggests that stable couples experience five positive interactions for every negative one5.
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Recover from conflict more quickly because a strong friendship cushions the impact of disagreements6.
Friendship in marriage isnโt about being identical to your partnerโitโs about consistently acting in ways that show care, curiosity, and respect.
Five Ways to Strengthen Friendship with Your Spouse
1. Set Aside Time for Real Conversations
Schedule regular check-ins where you talk about more than logistics. Explore your spouseโs past (childhood memories, formative experiences), present (daily highs and lows), and future (goals and dreams). This ongoing curiosity keeps you from assuming you โalready knowโ them completely7.
2. Do Something Fun Together
Revisit shared hobbies or try something newโwhether itโs a comedy club, a new sport, a puzzle, or volunteering. Research shows novelty can boost relationship satisfaction by creating fresh, shared memories8.
3. Speak Positively About Your Spouse to Others
Take moments to share what you admire about your partner in front of friends, family, or colleagues. Publicly acknowledging your appreciation strengthens both your bond and your partnerโs sense of being valued9.
4. Turn Chores into Connection Opportunities
Everyday tasks can be small moments of intimacy if done together with intention. Skip the TV or phone, add music, and focus on the shared taskโwhether thatโs cooking dinner, folding laundry, or cleaning out the garage10.
5. Show Up as a True Friend
This means being dependable, forgiving, supportive, and playful. Celebrate wins, comfort during losses, share laughter, and offer affection. Often, the behaviors that make us a good friend are the same ones that sustain a marriage11.
Key Takeaways
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Friendship is a powerful foundation for marriage, complementing skills like conflict resolution.
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Maintaining a positive emotional bank account helps couples recover from conflict faster.
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Simple daily actionsโcuriosity, fun, public appreciation, shared chores, and reliabilityโcan strengthen your bond.
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Focusing on friendship can make hard conversations easier and the relationship more resilient over time.
Sources
- Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for Your Marriage. Jossey-Bass. โฉ
- Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books. โฉ
- Huston, T. L., & Houts, R. M. (1998). The psychological infrastructure of courtship and marriage: The role of personality and compatibility in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality, 66(1), 1โ36. โฉ
- Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2003). Motivations for caregiving in adult intimate relationships: Influences on caregiving behavior and relationship functioning. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29(8), 950โ968. โฉ
- Gottman, J., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221โ233. โฉ
- Driver, J., & Gottman, J. M. (2004). Daily marital interactions and positive affect during marital conflict among newlywed couples. Family Process, 43(3), 301โ314. โฉ
- Aron, A., et al. (2000). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27(3), 363โ377. โฉ
- Reissman, C., Aron, A., & Bergen, M. R. (1993). Shared activities and marital satisfaction: Causal direction and self-expansion theory. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10(2), 243โ254. โฉ
- Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. (2010). Marriage in the new millennium: A decade in review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 630โ649. โฉ
- Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). People’s reasons for divorcing: Gender, social class, the life course, and adjustment. Journal of Family Issues, 24(5), 602โ626. โฉ
- Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2005). Contextual influences on marriage: Implications for policy and intervention. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 14(4), 171โ174. โฉ