Marriage Intensives & Online Counseling | Imago Therapy โ€“ The Marriage Restoration Project

What Should We Focus on Most in Our Relationship? Why Friendship in Marriage Deserves a Bigger Role

friendship in marriage is often overlookedMany couples ask: โ€œWhat should we be focusing on most if we want our marriage to thrive?โ€ Some assume itโ€™s all about conflict resolutionโ€”and while resolving disagreements is certainly important, research shows itโ€™s not the only skill that predicts long-term success1. One often overlooked element? Friendship in marriage.

Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman has found that couples who actively maintain a foundation of friendshipโ€”shared fondness, admiration, and mutual respectโ€”tend to weather challenges more effectively2.

This doesnโ€™t mean friendship replaces the need for good conflict management. Instead, it works alongside it, creating a positive emotional climate that makes difficult conversations easier and less damaging.

Why Friendship Matters in Marriage

According to Gottmanโ€™s research, described in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, couples who regularly invest in their friendship tend to:

  • Build deeper intimacyโ€”both emotional and physicalโ€”because they enjoy each otherโ€™s company and feel genuinely connected3.

  • Feel more loved and appreciated, increasing relationship satisfaction over time4.

  • Maintain a healthy โ€œemotional bank accountโ€ by having more positive than negative interactions. In fact, Gottmanโ€™s โ€œmagic ratioโ€ suggests that stable couples experience five positive interactions for every negative one5.

  • Recover from conflict more quickly because a strong friendship cushions the impact of disagreements6.

Friendship in marriage isnโ€™t about being identical to your partnerโ€”itโ€™s about consistently acting in ways that show care, curiosity, and respect.

Five Ways to Strengthen Friendship with Your Spouse

1. Set Aside Time for Real Conversations

Schedule regular check-ins where you talk about more than logistics. Explore your spouseโ€™s past (childhood memories, formative experiences), present (daily highs and lows), and future (goals and dreams). This ongoing curiosity keeps you from assuming you โ€œalready knowโ€ them completely7.


2. Do Something Fun Together

Revisit shared hobbies or try something newโ€”whether itโ€™s a comedy club, a new sport, a puzzle, or volunteering. Research shows novelty can boost relationship satisfaction by creating fresh, shared memories8.


3. Speak Positively About Your Spouse to Others

Take moments to share what you admire about your partner in front of friends, family, or colleagues. Publicly acknowledging your appreciation strengthens both your bond and your partnerโ€™s sense of being valued9.


4. Turn Chores into Connection Opportunities

Everyday tasks can be small moments of intimacy if done together with intention. Skip the TV or phone, add music, and focus on the shared taskโ€”whether thatโ€™s cooking dinner, folding laundry, or cleaning out the garage10.


5. Show Up as a True Friend

This means being dependable, forgiving, supportive, and playful. Celebrate wins, comfort during losses, share laughter, and offer affection. Often, the behaviors that make us a good friend are the same ones that sustain a marriage11.

Key Takeaways

  • Friendship is a powerful foundation for marriage, complementing skills like conflict resolution.

  • Maintaining a positive emotional bank account helps couples recover from conflict faster.

  • Simple daily actionsโ€”curiosity, fun, public appreciation, shared chores, and reliabilityโ€”can strengthen your bond.

  • Focusing on friendship can make hard conversations easier and the relationship more resilient over time.

Sources

  1. Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for Your Marriage. Jossey-Bass. โ†ฉ
  2. Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books. โ†ฉ
  3. Huston, T. L., & Houts, R. M. (1998). The psychological infrastructure of courtship and marriage: The role of personality and compatibility in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality, 66(1), 1โ€“36. โ†ฉ
  4. Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2003). Motivations for caregiving in adult intimate relationships: Influences on caregiving behavior and relationship functioning. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29(8), 950โ€“968. โ†ฉ
  5. Gottman, J., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221โ€“233. โ†ฉ
  6. Driver, J., & Gottman, J. M. (2004). Daily marital interactions and positive affect during marital conflict among newlywed couples. Family Process, 43(3), 301โ€“314. โ†ฉ
  7. Aron, A., et al. (2000). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27(3), 363โ€“377. โ†ฉ
  8. Reissman, C., Aron, A., & Bergen, M. R. (1993). Shared activities and marital satisfaction: Causal direction and self-expansion theory. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10(2), 243โ€“254. โ†ฉ
  9. Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. (2010). Marriage in the new millennium: A decade in review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 630โ€“649. โ†ฉ
  10. Amato, P. R., & Previti, D. (2003). People’s reasons for divorcing: Gender, social class, the life course, and adjustment. Journal of Family Issues, 24(5), 602โ€“626. โ†ฉ
  11. Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2005). Contextual influences on marriage: Implications for policy and intervention. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 14(4), 171โ€“174. โ†ฉ
Picture of Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin

Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is an Imago relationship therapist and certified (master level) Imago workshop presenter with over 20 years of experience hosting couples therapy retreats in-person and online.

Picture of Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin

Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin is an Imago relationship therapist and certified (master level) Imago workshop presenter with over 20 years of experience hosting couples therapy retreats in-person and online.

FEATURED IN

my wife yells at me
Get effective relationship help even if you’ve tried couples counseling before.
Name(Required)
Privacy*
*By using this form you agree with this site's privacy policy and consent to you submitted data being collected and stored. We take your privacy seriously, and will never spam you. - In addition, you are giving us permission to add you to our email list. You will receive our free 60 Second Plan to a Happy Marriage, along with transformational emails that will help you with your marriage.
This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.
CONTACT US