Are you considering divorce because your spouse’s emotional needs feel overwhelming? You may relate to the following question from a reader we addressed —a spouse contemplating divorce due to exhaustion from dealing with a “needy” partner.
Reader Question:
“My wife over the last week has told me she wants a divorce but not until after the holidays. She says I am never happy and everything I do for her is to manipulate her and get my needs filled and that she is exhausted.
I have listened to her and agree to a point. I actually have two doctor appointments this week and researched some online and believe that I have some severe anxiety and depression issues. I have told her that I see some of this and am going to start seeing professionals for help.
She told me that I need to suffer to get better because I have ‘made’ her suffer so long. At this point I can only look into my issues and see what happens—with no expectations. We have three kids—two at college and one in middle school. Is there anything else I can do?”
— Needy Spouse
Our Answer to “Needy Spouse”
First, it’s commendable that you’re taking responsibility for your part in the relationship1. Owning your role is a critical first step in breaking negative cycles.
However, it’s also worth asking: How much of your spouse’s current stance may be influenced by others? Outside advice from friends or family can sometimes intensify dissatisfaction, especially if the relationship is already strained2.
Why We’re Triggered by Certain Behaviors
Often, the qualities that most bother us about a spouse are tied to our own unresolved wounds3. In your wife’s case, if she is particularly sensitive to “neediness,” it could be connected to unmet needs in her own childhood.
For example, children who had to assume caretaker roles for siblings or even parents often grow into adults who feel burdened—or even repelled—by emotional dependence in others4.
If you can show compassion for her story and what may be driving her reactions, it can help her feel more understood and less defensive5.
Ensure She Feels Heard
When one partner is labeled “needy,” it can quickly devolve into a cycle of criticism and withdrawal. Research on marital communication shows that feeling heard and validated is strongly correlated with marital satisfaction6. Active listening, reflection, and validation are key.
The Problem With “Revenge” Thinking
Your wife’s statement that you must “suffer because she suffered” reflects a mindset of retribution rather than reconciliation. While hurt feelings are valid, revenge-driven thinking typically undermines the possibility of repair7. If she has already plotted a date for divorce and has been discussing it with others, she may be mentally preparing to leave.
Take Responsibility and Recommit
Your best chance for saving the marriage is to:
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Continue professional help for your own anxiety and depression8.
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Communicate clearly that the marriage matters to you and that you are willing to work together.
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Address her needs directly, especially around feeling seen and heard.
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Highlight the family impact—ending a marriage without giving repair a genuine chance is not only unfair to each other but also to your children9.
Key Takeaways
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Self-work matters — Addressing your own anxiety or depression can shift the relationship dynamic in positive ways.
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Childhood patterns influence adult triggers — Her aversion to “neediness” may be rooted in her past experiences.
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Feeling heard is critical — Active listening and validation foster trust and reduce defensiveness.
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Revenge thinking blocks repair — Focusing on punishment undermines reconciliation efforts.
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Family impact is significant — Children benefit from seeing conflict addressed constructively.
Sources
Footnotes
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Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books. ↩
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Amato, P. R. (2000). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62(4), 1269–1287. ↩
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Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2008). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin’s Griffin. ↩
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Jurkovic, G. J. (1997). Lost Childhoods: The Plight of the Parentified Child. Brunner/Mazel. ↩
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Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark. ↩
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Gordon, K. C., et al. (2000). The use of validation in marital therapy. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(2), 193–205. ↩
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Worthington, E. L. (2006). Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Theory and Application. Routledge. ↩
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Whisman, M. A., & Uebelacker, L. A. (2006). Impairment and distress associated with relationship discord in a national sample of married or cohabiting adults. Journal of Family Psychology, 20(3), 369–377. ↩
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Fagan, P. F., & Churchill, A. (2012). The Effects of Divorce on Children. Marriage and Religion Research Institute. ↩
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