by Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and co-founder of The Marriage Restoration Project.
Many couples search for answers like:
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“Why is my partner so controlling?”
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“Am I being controlling in my relationship?”
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“How do I stop controlling my spouse?”
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“What are the signs of controlling behavior in marriage?”
Control issues don’t just appear out of nowhere. They are almost always rooted in fear, anxiety, or a feeling of emotional unsafety. When someone feels powerless or afraid of losing something important, they try to regain that power by controlling the environment — or the people in it.
Control isn’t really about domination. It’s about protection.
Understanding these dynamics is the first step to healing.
What Causes Control Issues in a Relationship?
Most controlling behaviors come from deeper emotional experiences such as:
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fear of abandonment
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fear of betrayal
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anxiety about being judged or rejected
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fear of losing the relationship
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needing predictability to feel emotionally safe
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past trauma or childhood instability
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shame, insecurity, or low self-worth
Control becomes a coping strategy — an attempt to reduce anxiety by managing everything around them.
Common Signs of Control Issues
Controlling behavior can show up in subtle or obvious ways:
Emotional Control
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guilt-tripping
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punishing silence
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intense reactions when things don’t go their way
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needing constant reassurance
Behavioral Control
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monitoring your whereabouts
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demanding access to your phone or accounts
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controlling who you talk to or spend time with
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policing clothing, schedule, or social interactions
Decision-Making Control
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needing their own preferences to come first
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refusing flexibility
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difficulty compromising
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rigidity around household routines or parenting
These behaviors are warning signs NOT because the person is “bad,” but because they are living in a constant state of fear.
Why Control Is So Damaging in Marriage
A healthy relationship relies on:
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autonomy
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emotional safety
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trust
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mutual decision-making
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playfulness
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flexibility
Control destroys these by creating an atmosphere of:
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tension
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fear
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resentment
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anxiety
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imbalance
Over time, this erodes the connection that intimacy depends on.
When one partner feels controlled, they either shut down emotionally or fight harder for independence — both of which widen the distance.
How to Heal Control Issues in Your Relationship
1. Get Curious About the Fear Beneath the Control
Instead of focusing only on the behavior, ask:
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“What feels unsafe to my partner?”
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“What fear is driving this?”
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“What past experience is being triggered?”
Understanding the fear is the key to repairing the behavior.
2. Increase Transparency and Reassurance
If your partner feels insecure or afraid:
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be more communicative about plans
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offer clarity and reassurance
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show consistency
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validate their feelings, even if you disagree
Reassurance helps regulate anxiety — not because you’re “giving in,” but because you’re creating emotional safety.
3. Avoid Extremes in Your Own Reaction
If you respond to control with defensiveness or secrecy, the fear increases.
If you respond with calm, clarity, and boundaries, the relationship stabilizes.
4. Learn Safe Communication Tools
Couples need a structure where BOTH partners can share fears without blame or judgment.
Methods like the Imago Dialogue help decrease reactivity and increase safety — which reduces the instinct to control.
5. Seek Professional Help if Needed
Control behaviors often come from old trauma or relational patterns that aren’t easy to shift alone.
A structured couples therapy program — such as a 2-Day Marriage Intensive — offers the emotional safety and guided conversation needed to break these patterns for good.
You don’t fix control by fighting it.
You fix it by healing what created it.
Key Takeaways
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Control issues are rooted in fear, anxiety, or emotional unsafety.
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Controlling behaviors damage trust, connection, and intimacy.
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Healing requires understanding the fear, not labeling the partner.
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Transparency and reassurance reduce the need for control.
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Safe communication and professional support are the fastest ways to break the cycle.
FAQs About Control in Relationships
Is controlling behavior a sign of abuse?
Not always. Sometimes it is fear-driven and unconscious. But consistent control paired with intimidation or isolation can become abusive.
Can a controlling partner change?
Yes—when they understand the fear beneath the behavior and learn to regulate it.
How do I stop being controlling?
Identify the fear, communicate vulnerably, and practice sharing power and decisions with your partner.
What if my partner denies being controlling?
Focus on the impact, not the label. “I feel anxious when…” is less triggering than “You’re controlling.”
When should couples seek help?
If control is persistent, escalating, or harming the emotional climate of the relationship.
Sources
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Baucom, D. H., Epstein, N., LaTaillade, J. J., & Kirby, J. S. (2008). “Cognitive-Behavioral Couple Therapy.” In Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy (4th ed.).
– Describes how anxiety, fear, and maladaptive beliefs drive controlling behaviors and conflict in relationships. -
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.
– Explains how insecure attachment (anxious or avoidant) leads to clinging, control, jealousy, and difficulty with emotional safety in intimate relationships. -
Johnson, S. M. (2004). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.
– Shows how underlying attachment fears (fear of abandonment, not mattering, not being enough) often manifest as controlling or defensive behavior. -
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
– Identifies criticism, defensiveness, and control patterns as major predictors of relationship distress and highlights the importance of emotional safety. -
Cowan, P. A., & Cowan, C. P. (2002). When Partners Become Parents: The Big Life Change for Couples. Psychology Press.
– Discusses how stress and transitions (like having children) can increase anxiety, rigidity, and controlling dynamics in relationships. -
Dutton, D. G., & Goodman, L. A. (2005). “Coercion in Intimate Partner Violence: Toward a New Conceptualization.” Sex Roles, 52(11–12), 743–756.
– Clarifies the difference between fear-driven control and coercive, patterned control that can indicate abuse. -
Feeney, J. A. (1999). “Issues of Closeness and Distance in Dating Relationships: Effects of Sex and Attachment Style.” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 16(5), 571–590.
– Shows how attachment style and fear of closeness/distance are linked to attempts to control relationship dynamics. -
American Psychological Association. “Managing Anxiety in Relationships.”
– Explains how anxiety can drive reassurance-seeking, monitoring, and other controlling behaviors, and how communication and therapy help reduce them.
