Are You Comparing Your Marriage to Others and Feeling Discouraged?

By Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC — Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Founder of The Marriage Restoration Project

Why You Feel Like Everyone Else Has a Better Marriage

You scroll through photos of “perfect” couples— smiling, happy, relaxed. You might think: “If their marriage looks that easy, why is mine so hard?”
But here’s the truth: looks are deceiving. We recently did a photo shoot—and though the final images came out beautifully, behind the scenes? Crying babies, kids running off, and two tired parents who couldn’t wait for the shoot to end.

That disconnect between appearance and reality is exactly what pulls couples into the trap of comparing their marriage to others. And we now know from research that comparing your real, messy, behind-the-scenes relationship to someone else’s curated highlight reel is bad for your marriage.

What the Research Shows

• Higher social media use and more upward social comparisons (seeing others “better” than you) are linked to lower relationship satisfaction and greater marital distress.

• One study found that increased Facebook penetration in a state was associated with a 2.18–4.32% increase in divorce rates. 

• Social media exposes couples to endless wedding-style, honeymoon-style, ideal-marriage posts—and the comparison effect (especially upward comparison) can reduce self-esteem and belongingness, which harms relational safety. 

In short: When you compare your marriage to someone else’s curated facade, you’re not just disappointed—you’re putting your real relationship at risk.

Why You Compare — And What It Really Means

There are a few common reasons:

• Upward social comparison: You see someone else’s highlight and feel yours falls short.

• Hidden relational pain: You assume their marriage is easy when you don’t see the struggles behind the scenes.

• Communication gaps in your own relationship: Comparing works as a distraction from saying what you really feel or need.

• Unmet expectations about what a “good marriage” looks like.

When you recognize the comparison habit for what it is—an emotional signal that you’re feeling insecure, unsafe, or undervalued—you can turn it into an opportunity to repair your marriage.

What You Can Do Instead

1. Pause the Scroll

If you find yourself frequently comparing, try this immediate step:

“I’m going to close the feed and talk to my partner about what I’m actually longing for right now.”
Reducing exposure to highlight-feeds helps you stay grounded in your real life.

2. Name the Truth Behind the Photo

When you see a “perfect” post, remind yourself: “This is their highlight, not their full story.”
Then ask: “What am I longing for right now in our relationship?” and express that to your spouse.

3. Shift the Conversation

Instead of saying “Why don’t we have that?” try:

“When I saw that smiling couple post, I felt a bit jealous. I’d love for us to plan a moment just for us this week. Can we brainstorm together?”
This turns comparison into connection.

4. Create Your Real Snapshot

Make a small routine that honors your actual married life—warts and all:

• A quick “real talk” 5-minute check-in each evening.

• A shared photo not of perfection, but of something real you both laughed about.

• One “for us” plan in the next week that’s not Instagram-worthy but relationship-worthy.

5. Seek Help Before the Comparison Becomes an Exit

When comparing becomes chronic, couples often feel: “Maybe their marriage is better. Maybe we should just call it.” That’s a serious sign.
Getting back to relational safety, honesty, and emotional repair is critical—and that’s easier in a structured setting than it is on your own.

Key Takeaways

• Comparing your real marriage to others’ curated posts is harmful, not harmless.

• Appearing “fine” doesn’t mean the relationship is fine. You only see the highlight reel.

• Use comparison as a signal: what are you really longing for? Name it and ask for it.

• Shift from envy to curiosity: “What can we create together instead of what we don’t have?”

• If comparison is frequent and painful, it may be damaging your marriage—and timely intervention can save it.

FAQ: Comparing Marriages & What to Do

Q1. Is it normal to compare our marriage to others?
Yes—very normal. Humans compare. The issue isn’t the comparison; it’s the effect it has: shame, distance, disconnection.

Q2. How often should we talk about our expectations vs reality?
Weekly check-ins (even 10 minutes) help normalize conversation about how you feel, what you want, and what’s changing—not just scroll past.

Q3. Does social media always harm marriages?
Not always—but heavy use + frequent upward comparisons + dissatisfaction = a risky combo. Limit exposure and focus on your own story. 

Q4. What if my partner doesn’t see how comparing is hurting us?
Start with what you feel: “When I compare us to them, I feel small.” Share your experience, not blame. Invite them to join you in creating a ‘real snapshot’ together.

Q5. When should we get couples help?
If comparing turns into regular feelings of ‘we’re less than’, ‘we’re failing’, or you think: “Maybe someone else is better”—it’s time. Safe communication, repair work, and shared tools help more than silence.

Sources

1. Haferkamp, N. & Krämer, N.C. (2011). “Social comparison 2.0: Examining the effects of online profiles on social-networking sites.” Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking.

2. Marshall, T. C., et al. (2013). “Social Media and Marital Satisfaction: The Role of Facebook-Related Conflict.” Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking.

3. Valenzuela, S., et al. (2014). “Facebook usage and the divorce rate in the United States.” Computers in Human Behavior.

4. Smith, A. (2021). “The Relationship Between Social Media Use and Relationship Quality.” Pew Research Center.