What if your spouse refuses to save your marriage? What if you want him/her to go to counseling with you and they won’t? Can you improve your marriage even if your spouse doesn’t want to? Yes, you absolutely can and this episode will detail some strategies for you to begin doing the work needed to bring back your partner. While you cannot force anyone to do anything they don’t want to do (or should!), there are many ways you can work on yourself to start bringing them back and setting your intention to save your marriage and prevent divorce.
Save your marriage despite an uncooperative partner
Here’s how to begin saving your marriage even with an unwilling spouse.
1. Taking a look at your role- especially examining how you talk and create safety in your relationship is the most important factor in bringing your partner on board to save your marriage.
Safety is key and if your spouse is refusing therapy, they’ve probably had a bad time of it in the past or feel unsafe at the thought of going.
2. Making “space” for your partner to have their own opinion is a very real step even though it may feel scary- like you’d be letting go of control. But that’s precisely where the magic happens! This will require that you learn how to listen and talk in a way that is safe- we teach that in our intensive marriage counseling retreats or in our 5 Step Plan: A Guided Journey to Lasting Love.
Whether it’s a midlife crisis or he/she really is done, you can still work at preventing divorce.
3. Ultimately, it’s not entirely up to you and we are confident that there is much you can do on your own to work at creating enough emotional safety in your marriage that your spouse begins to feel more at ease and able to show up fully as your partner.
Frequently Asked Questions
❓ Can one spouse really save a marriage alone?
Yes—many changes begin with just one partner shifting how they show up. Research shows that intentional behavior from one spouse (listening better, creating safety, showing empathy) can positively change the overall dynamic, often drawing the other partner back in.
❓ Why does my spouse refuse counseling?
Often, resistance comes from feeling unsafe, judged, or hopeless about therapy. Past negative experiences may also make your spouse reluctant. Building emotional safety—showing you can listen without blaming or pressuring—can make them more open to trying again.
❓ What should I do if my spouse says they’re “done”?
It’s painful to hear, but even in cases of midlife crises or strong resistance, spouses sometimes re-engage when the other partner shows consistent safety, patience, and self-reflection. Change doesn’t happen overnight, but steady actions often make a difference.
❓ Should I give my spouse space, or try harder to connect?
Both. Space communicates respect for their autonomy, while safe attempts at connection (gentle conversations, non-defensive listening, small acts of kindness) show your ongoing commitment. Balancing space and effort reduces defensiveness and builds trust.
❓ How long should I keep trying if my spouse won’t participate?
There’s no single timeline, but many couples find that a season of one spouse leading the way is enough to shift the dynamic. If efforts aren’t working after a period of intentional practice, seeking professional support—through a discernment counselor or a private retreat—can help clarify the next steps.
❓ What role do marriage retreats or intensives play if only one spouse is invested?
Even if your spouse resists at first, individual preparation through resources like the 5-Step Plan or private coaching can equip you with tools that naturally make the relationship feel safer. In many cases, this opens the door for your partner to eventually join you in a retreat setting.
Key Takeaways
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You can begin repairing your marriage even if your spouse is resistant to therapy. Change often starts with one partner taking intentional action.
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Emotional safety is the foundation. Many reluctant spouses resist counseling because they feel unsafe, judged, or hopeless.
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Self-reflection matters. Examining your role—especially how you speak, listen, and create safety—can shift the dynamic.
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Giving your spouse space to have their own perspective without pressure reduces defensiveness and opens the door for reconnection.
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Individual action can spark mutual change. Even if your spouse is in a midlife crisis or feels “done,” consistent safe communication can create enough emotional trust for them to re-engage.
Sources
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Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishing.
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Demonstrates how one partner’s intentional behavior can influence relationship dynamics.
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Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.
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Highlights emotional safety as the key ingredient for reconnecting and building trust.
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The Marriage Restoration Project. (n.d.). Marriage Intensives: Can One Spouse Save a Marriage? Retrieved from themarriagerestorationproject.com
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Explains strategies for individuals to begin healing the marriage even when a partner resists therapy.
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Doherty, W. J. (2016). Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart. Guilford Press.
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Explores how persistence, intention, and self-reflection from one spouse can influence marital recovery.
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Scott, S. B., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Allen, E. S., & Markman, H. J. (2013). Reasons for divorce and openness to marital reconciliation. Journal of Family Psychology, 27(2), 243–251.
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Research showing that many couples who initially resist counseling are still open to reconciliation under the right conditions.
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