What if your spouse refuses to save your marriage? What if you want him/her to go to counseling with you and they won’t? Can you improve your marriage even if your spouse doesn’t want to? Yes, you absolutely can and this episode will detail some strategies for you to begin doing the work needed to bring back your partner. While you cannot force anyone to do anything they don’t want to do (or should!), there are many ways you can work on yourself to start bringing them back and setting your intention to save your marriage and prevent divorce.
Save your marriage despite an uncooperative partner
Here’s how to begin saving your marriage even with an unwilling spouse.
1. Taking a look at your role- especially examining how you talk and create safety in your relationship is the most important factor in bringing your partner on board to save your marriage.
Safety is key and if your spouse is refusing therapy, they’ve probably had a bad time of it in the past or feel unsafe at the thought of going.
2. Making “space” for your partner to have their own opinion is a very real step even though it may feel scary- like you’d be letting go of control. But that’s precisely where the magic happens! This will require that you learn how to listen and talk in a way that is safe- we teach that in our intensive marriage counseling retreats or in our 5 Step Plan: A Guided Journey to Lasting Love.
Whether it’s a midlife crisis or he/she really is done, you can still work at preventing divorce.
3. Ultimately, it’s not entirely up to you and we are confident that there is much you can do on your own to work at creating enough emotional safety in your marriage that your spouse begins to feel more at ease and able to show up fully as your partner.
Key Takeaways
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You can begin repairing your marriage even if your spouse is resistant to therapy. Change often starts with one partner taking intentional action.
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Emotional safety is the foundation. Many reluctant spouses resist counseling because they feel unsafe, judged, or hopeless.
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Self-reflection matters. Examining your role—especially how you speak, listen, and create safety—can shift the dynamic.
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Giving your spouse space to have their own perspective without pressure reduces defensiveness and opens the door for reconnection.
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Individual action can spark mutual change. Even if your spouse is in a midlife crisis or feels “done,” consistent safe communication can create enough emotional trust for them to re-engage.
Sources
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Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishing.
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Demonstrates how one partner’s intentional behavior can influence relationship dynamics.
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Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.
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Highlights emotional safety as the key ingredient for reconnecting and building trust.
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The Marriage Restoration Project. (n.d.). Marriage Intensives: Can One Spouse Save a Marriage? Retrieved from themarriagerestorationproject.com
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Explains strategies for individuals to begin healing the marriage even when a partner resists therapy.
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Doherty, W. J. (2016). Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart. Guilford Press.
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Explores how persistence, intention, and self-reflection from one spouse can influence marital recovery.
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Scott, S. B., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Allen, E. S., & Markman, H. J. (2013). Reasons for divorce and openness to marital reconciliation. Journal of Family Psychology, 27(2), 243–251.
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Research showing that many couples who initially resist counseling are still open to reconciliation under the right conditions.
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