Feeling Incompatible With Your Spouse?
If you’ve ever thought, “We’re just too different,” you’re not alone. Many couples start to question whether they’re truly compatible once the initial excitement of romance fades.
At first, everything about your partner may have seemed exciting — their confidence, spontaneity, independence, or sensitivity. But over time, those same qualities might start to irritate you.
It can leave you wondering:
“Did we make a mistake?”
“Can two completely opposite people really make a marriage work?”
The good news is, yes — you can work through incompatibility. And marriage counseling can help you transform those differences into your greatest strength.
Why Do Incompatible People Fall in Love?
It’s easy to assume that a happy marriage depends on compatibility — liking the same foods, movies, or hobbies. But true compatibility isn’t about sameness; it’s about balance.
According to Imago Relationship Therapy, developed by Drs. Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, we are unconsciously drawn to partners who embody traits we’ve suppressed or lost growing up.
That’s why opposites attract.
For example:
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A partner who’s organized may fall for someone spontaneous.
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A strong, assertive person might be drawn to a gentler, more accommodating partner.
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Someone emotionally reserved may be fascinated by a partner who wears their heart on their sleeve.
Each partner carries the missing pieces the other unconsciously wants to reclaim.
What Happens When the Honeymoon Stage Ends
In the beginning, those opposite traits make us feel whole — we feel “complete.” But once the romance fades and daily stressors take over, those same differences often trigger us.
This phase, known in Imago Therapy as the power struggle stage, is where most couples start labeling themselves as “incompatible.”
You might think:
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“He’s so controlling.”
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“She’s too emotional.”
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“We just don’t want the same things anymore.”
But what’s really happening is that your partner is activating your unhealed childhood wounds — the parts of you that learned to hide certain traits for survival.
Instead of seeing incompatibility as a dead end, Imago teaches couples to see it as an invitation to grow.
How Marriage Counseling Helps “Incompatible” Couples
A skilled marriage counselor can help you uncover the deeper purpose behind your conflict and teach you to communicate in ways that promote connection instead of blame.
Here’s how:
1. You’ll Learn to Understand Each Other’s Triggers
Through structured dialogue (like the Imago Dialogue), you’ll begin to understand what’s really being triggered in conflict — and why your differences bother you so deeply.
(Explore: 3 Imago Dialogue Steps: Validation, Mirroring & Empathy)
2. You’ll Build Safety and Empathy
Incompatible couples often feel unsafe expressing needs for fear of rejection or judgment. Counseling provides a secure space where both partners can share without interruption or blame.
3. You’ll Reclaim Lost Parts of Yourself
Instead of trying to “fix” your partner, you’ll learn how their differences reflect the very traits you’ve disowned in yourself — helping you become more balanced and whole.
4. You’ll Rediscover Connection and Joy
When partners learn to appreciate each other’s contrasts, they begin to see those differences as assets rather than threats. This shift rebuilds emotional safety and rekindles intimacy.
(See also: Can This Marriage Be Saved?)
The Purpose of Relationships Isn’t Comfort — It’s Growth
Imago theory views marriage not as a quest for perfection but as a path to healing.
Incompatibility doesn’t mean your marriage is broken. It means you’ve found the person who can help you grow — if you’re both willing to do the work.
Through conscious communication, empathy, and structure, marriage counseling can turn incompatibility into a bridge rather than a barrier.
Key Takeaways
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Most couples who feel “incompatible” are simply in the power struggle phase of growth.
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Opposites attract for a reason — your partner reflects what you need to heal.
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Marriage counseling helps you communicate, understand triggers, and grow together.
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Incompatibility isn’t a dealbreaker — it’s a roadmap for deeper connection.
About the Author
Written by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist. Founder of The Marriage Restoration Project, Rabbi Slatkin helps couples restore hope through private intensives, Imago workshops, and online marriage programs.
Sources
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Hendrix, H. & LaKelly Hunt, H. (1988). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. St. Martin’s Press.
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The Marriage Restoration Project. “3 Stages of Marriage: Romantic Love, Power Struggle, and Real Love.”
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The Marriage Restoration Project. “3 Imago Dialogue Steps: Validation, Mirroring & Empathy.”
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Gottman, J. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
