It’s a question many people ask in a moment of crisis: Can a therapist tell you to leave your partner? And unfortunately, the answer is: Yes — and it happens far too often.
We wrote in detail about this in our article “How My Therapist Destroyed My Marriage”, where we explore real stories of individuals whose well-meaning therapists advised them to end their marriages — without ever meeting their spouse, understanding the full story, or working with the couple as a system. This kind of advice can be incredibly dangerous.
The Problem With Individual Therapy for Relationship Issues
In fact, ethical standards from professional bodies like the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) explicitly state that therapists should not direct clients to end relationships like divorce—but rather support client autonomy and informed decision-making. The therapist’s role is to empower, not to decide your path for you.¹
In theory, therapists are not supposed to tell you what to do — especially when it comes to irreversible decisions like ending your marriage. A trained and ethical couples therapist is meant to help you both gain clarity, communicate more effectively, and create space for healing and growth. But in reality, we’ve seen many situations where therapists, particularly those without specialized training in couples work or a relational paradigm, insert their own bias — and unintentionally sway their client toward separation.
One of the biggest issues we see in our intensive couples therapy retreats is couples who come to us after years of well-meaning but misguided individual therapy. Often, one partner went to therapy alone to “work on the relationship,” and without ever meeting the other spouse, the therapist suggested — explicitly or implicitly — that the relationship was the problem and needed to end. This is a devastating misuse of influence.
Therapists are authority figures. When they suggest — even subtly — that your partner is the problem or that you deserve better, you’re likely to believe them. And yet, that opinion is being formed from hearing only one side. Imagine being judged as a parent, employee, or friend with no chance to share your side of the story. That’s exactly what happens in these cases — and the consequences are real.
Research and professional commentary warn that therapists working individually with one partner may inadvertently introduce bias—particularly in highly emotional contexts like marriage. Neutrality, while sounding fair, can still steer clients toward decisions aligned more with self-interest than relational healing.²
We’ve worked with many clients who divorced because of what their therapist said — and later deeply regretted it. They destroyed their family, upended their children’s lives, and carried years of guilt — not because the marriage couldn’t be saved, but because no one gave them a process to actually try.
Why We Never Tell Clients to Leave Their Partner
At The Marriage Restoration Project, we never see it as our role to tell a couple to stay or leave. We believe that if two people chose each other — no matter how long ago, and no matter how far they’ve drifted — there’s a reason for that bond. Our job is to uncover what’s still there, what needs to be healed, and how to restore the connection if both people are open to the process.
Ethical counseling guidelines caution against imposing a therapist’s values on clients. For example, counselors must avoid letting personal beliefs—such as a bias toward preserving marriage—override client needs or autonomy.³
Our approach is rooted in the idea that conflict is a sign that growth is trying to happen, not that you married the wrong person. In fact, the very pain you’re feeling is often a doorway into healing childhood wounds and patterns that have followed you into adulthood. But that healing doesn’t happen when someone on the outside simply says “leave.”
Couples Therapy Should Be Neutral, Not Persuasive
True relational counseling is about working with the relationship — not taking sides. When couples come to our private 2-day marriage counseling retreats, we help them slow down the blame and reactivity so they can actually hear each other. We don’t assume one partner is the problem. We don’t diagnose the marriage based on surface-level symptoms. And we definitely don’t advise separation after a single session.
Couples therapists aim to avoid dual relationships and maintain neutrality. When clients attend therapy individually, switching to a couples-based, systems-informed approach—or even referring to a specialist—is a common ethical practice in healthy therapy models.⁴
Unfortunately, not all therapists are trained this way. Some come from an individualistic, pathology-driven model that sees discomfort in the relationship as a sign to escape. But in our experience, that discomfort is usually a sign that the relationship is trying to evolve — and just needs the right support to do so.
So, Can a Therapist Tell You to Leave Your Partner?
They can. But they shouldn’t.
If your therapist is pushing you toward divorce — especially without ever meeting your spouse or engaging in structured couples work — it’s okay to question that advice. It may be time to find a professional who is trained in relationship dynamics and who honors your marriage as a system, not just a symptom.
Because once a family is fractured, the effects ripple through generations. Divorce doesn’t just affect two people — it affects children, in-laws, finances, community, and more. Sometimes separation is necessary. But you deserve to explore all options before making a final decision.
When ending a marriage, many clients benefit from structured support that helps them make informed choices—whether through discernment counseling or traditional therapy methods. For example, discernment counseling offers a research-backed, short-term process to clarify whether to stay or leave.⁵
If You’re Wondering Whether There’s Still Hope…
There often is — even if things feel impossible right now.
Our intensive marriage counseling retreats are designed for couples in crisis who want to explore healing deeply and quickly. Before making a decision as permanent as divorce, give your relationship one last chance in a setting that’s fair, safe, and focused on real results.
Key Takeaways with Citations
- Therapists should not direct clients to leave; instead, they uphold client autonomy and choice.
Source: AAMFT Code of Ethics - Individual therapy can unintentionally bias toward separation when relational context is missing.
Source: Psychotherapy.net – Keeping and Ending Commitments - Ethics prohibit imposing personal values—even well-meaning beliefs like saving marriage must not override client autonomy.
Source: AMHCA Code of Ethics FAQ - Dual-role situations risk fairness and clarity—referral or shifting to couples therapy is recommended practice.
Sources: Rula – Ethical Considerations, Processing Therapy - Discernment counseling offers a clear, neutral process for couples unsure of staying or leaving.
Source: Verywell Mind – Discernment Counseling
