No matter how long you’ve been together, every relationship can have highs and lows. From the excitement of first getting married to the challenges of everyday commitments and responsibilities that come soon after, there are countless hurdles that couples must work together to overcome each and every single day in their relationship. This process involves a lot of teamwork, dedication, and open communication at each step of the way, all with the idea in mind that you are a team that sticks together through and through.
One challenge that can be difficult to overcome in any healthy relationship is the cycle of resentment. But what is resentment? This term often refers to an emotional state that one experiences in which they are, willfully or unwillfully, reliving or remembering a past memory in which they felt purposefully unvalidated or misunderstood. This idea can fester and grow in the back of any individual’s mind for the biggest and littlest of things, from a simple disagreement over where to go for a family vacation to a rejection of physical affection.
Resentments can cycle and grow through repetition of the ‘invalidation’ or through the affected person simply recalling or remembering the event in question. This, in turn, can lead to further anger, disagreement and turmoil in a relationship, seemingly out of nowhere at times. So how do you break the cycle of resentment in your relationship? Are there any methods or techniques that couples can practice alone and together in order to beat out existing or developing resentments? If you’re feeling like you’re hitting a roadblock in your marriage or relationship due to issues with resentment, we’re happy to help. Keep reading to discover the best tried-and-true Imago therapy methods to finally break the cycle of resentment and move forward in your relationship.
Recognize the Resentment
One crucial error that is so often made in relationships, both intentionally and unintentionally, is to ignore feelings of resentment. For those feeling resentful of their spouse, they may feel ashamed and try to hide these feelings or push them away. For those who are actively being resented, they may find that it feels easier to ignore the issue rather than address it head-on. However, when you ignore feelings of resentment, this can actually cause the problem to fester and grow, morphing into something much worse.
Therefore, when any resentment is felt in a dedicated relationship, it’s important to recognize its appearance. It’s not an admission of failure or defeat, and it’s not something to be ashamed of – rather, it’s the first step towards recovery and reconciliation.
Take a Moment to Refocus
Following the recognition of the feelings of resentment in a relationship, it’s important to then step back from the situation and reframe the idea. Oftentimes, feelings of resentment are focused around one person or one invalidation, and the presence of either can trigger a similar response to the original experience. For example, if one spouse is feeling resentful of the other for declining intimacy, they may again experience the same resentment if they are told no in other areas of their life, whether or not it’s related to their spouse or the same situation.
To counter this issue, consider using the Imago principle of ‘Restructuring Frustration.’ This idea involves recognizing that the frustration and resentment that one experiences is not directly from their spouse or trigger. The spouse feeling the resentment must recognize what is happening and work to disconnect their spouse from the feeling itself. This process involves a refocusing of the idea of resentment, reframing it as an issue that is separate from your spouse and can be worked on together as a team.
Remember That You’re a Team
Another key step to take in breaking the cycle of resentment is to remember that you and your partner are a team. If there is one thing that resentment excels at, it’s telling those who experience it in a relationship that it’s them vs. their partner. However, this cannot be further from the truth – it’s you and your partner vs. the resentment and frustration.
After you work to reframe your frustration to separate your spouse from the actual feeling, take a moment to remember that you are a team that must work together to overcome the hurdle together. This will involve being open and communicative with your partner, sharing your feelings and experiences as well as triggers and subsequent resentment. While this can feel like a challenge, and partners may be worried that they’ll damage their relationship, honesty and trust will more likely than not bring you closer together and actually strengthen the relationship.
Ask for Help If You Need It
In any relationship, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that asking for help when you hit a roadblock is a problem in itself, almost like you’re admitting defeat. However, the truth of the matter is that sometimes, you need professional assistance in order to work through a particularly sticky issue. This is especially true when it comes to navigating the temperamental world of resentment, in which preexisting anger and disdain can already be present.
Breaking the Cycle of Resentment: How to Heal and Reconnect with Your Partner
While any relationship has its ups and downs, one challenge that can be difficult for couples to overcome is that of resentment. This emotion is often felt by one individual in the relationship and is focused on the other, with anger and disdain being drawn out through reliving a memory of being invalidated or slighted, whether intentionally or not. Ignoring resentment can cause it to fester and grow, leading to turmoil in even the healthiest of relationships. By recognizing the existence of the resentment, reframing it with Imago therapy techniques, remembering that you and your partner are a team and asking for help if you need it, you can effectively set yourself up for successful reconciliation and to finally break the endless cycle of resentment.
