How to borrow hope when you’ve run out of your own
by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC — Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist, and co-founder of The Marriage Restoration Project. For more than 20 years, he’s helped couples transform hopeless marriages into lasting connection through structured dialogue and emotional safety.
When You’re Ready to Give Up, Do This First
Before you give up on your relationship, pause.
You may think you’ve tried everything — therapy, conversations, boundaries, even silence — and it still feels like nothing works. But just as entrepreneurs surround themselves with people who’ve already succeeded, marriages thrive when you surround yourself with people who believe in healthy love.
In countless interviews, successful people say, “Surround yourself with those who are already where you want to be.” The reason isn’t that success magically rubs off. It’s that belief is contagious.¹
Can Hope Really Save a Marriage?
Yes — but not blind optimism. Hope becomes transformative when it’s held by someone who’s already walked the path.²
When you’ve lost perspective, it’s hard to see anything beyond your pain. A trusted guide — a counselor, mentor couple, or community — can hold hope for you until you can hold it yourself.
As the Talmud teaches: “A prisoner cannot free themselves from prison.” In relationships, that means you can’t always rescue your marriage alone. You need someone outside the cell of your conflict who can see the door handle.³
Borrowing Hope: Why You Need a Relationship Champion
When you’re overwhelmed, your nervous system interprets the relationship as danger rather than safety. You shut down, lash out, or numb — not because you’ve stopped caring, but because you can’t see a way out.
That’s when a relationship champion steps in — a therapist, mentor couple, or even a friend who reminds you what’s still possible.
These people:
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Hold belief when you can’t.
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Model what healthy communication looks like.
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Reflect your potential back to you.
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Remind you that love isn’t a feeling; it’s a decision supported by skill.
It’s what we call borrowed hope — and it’s one of the most powerful emotional lifelines a couple can have.⁴
How Do I Know When It’s Really Time to Give Up on My Marriage?
That’s the question couples Google more than any other. The answer: you give up only when both partners refuse to grow, or safety is chronically violated.⁵
If you’re still asking the question, it’s usually a sign that you haven’t truly given up — you’re just exhausted. Hope fatigue is not the same as hopelessness.
Ask yourself:
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Have I tried getting perspective from outside our cycle?
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Have I learned new tools (not just repeated old fights)?
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Have I surrounded myself with people who know how to love well?
If not, don’t quit yet — you haven’t seen what’s possible when you have structure, safety, and guidance.
Before You Walk Away — Assemble Your Team
Just as entrepreneurs have mentors, struggling couples need guides who’ve already done the work. Surround yourself with:
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Couples who model success — they remind you what love looks like in practice.
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Therapists who specialize in marriage repair — not just problem-solving, but teaching connection.
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Communities that value growth over gossip — peers who believe marriage is worth fighting for.
At The Marriage Restoration Project, we’ve seen couples on the brink of divorce walk out of our intensives stronger than ever — not because they got lucky, but because they let us hold the hope for them until they could believe again.⁶
What If My Partner Has Already Given Up?
Even then, your calm, curious energy can shift the system.⁷ Sometimes, one partner’s choice to stay hopeful — and act differently — becomes the spark that changes everything.
The goal isn’t to control your spouse; it’s to model security until they remember it’s possible.
Key Takeaways
- Don’t quit alone. Get outside perspective before you decide.
- Hope is transferable. Borrow it from those who’ve already found their way back.
- Perspective is power. An “imprisoned” couple can’t free themselves without help.
- Surround yourself with success. Healthy couples lift you out of scarcity thinking.
- If you’re asking whether to stay — that’s hope talking. Follow it.
FAQs (People Also Ask)
Q: How do I stay hopeful when my marriage feels dead?
A: Work with a professional who can teach you the tools for changing your situation. Often, what feels final is just an emotional block, not a true ending.²
Q: Is every marriage worth saving?
A: Far more than most couples realize. Safety, mutual willingness, and curiosity make almost anything repairable.⁵
Q: Can one person save a marriage?
A: Yes, temporarily. Change one part of a system, and the rest begins to move. It often inspires the other partner to re-engage.⁷
Q: What does “borrowed hope” mean in marriage counseling?
A: It means letting someone else — a therapist, mentor, or trusted friend — believe in your marriage when you can’t, until you can again.⁴
Sources
- Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.
- Gottman Institute – Why Hope Predicts Relationship Recovery
- Talmud – Berachot 5b: A Prisoner Cannot Free Themselves
- Hendrix, H. – Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
- Psychology Today – When to Leave a Relationship vs. When to Stay
- The Marriage Restoration Project – Case Studies from Intensive Retreats
- Verywell Mind – The Ripple Effect of One Partner’s Effort
