by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC — Licensed clinical professional counselor, Advanced Imago Relationship Therapist
Why Your Marriage Feels Like Childhood All Over Again
If you’ve ever thought, “Why do I keep picking partners like my parent?” or “Why does my spouse trigger me the same way my mom or dad used to?” — you’re asking one of the most common questions couples ask on Reddit, Quora, and in therapy rooms worldwide.
In our podcast, we often talk about how marriage becomes the classroom for unfinished childhood lessons. We don’t choose partners at random — we’re drawn to what’s familiar. That familiarity can feel magnetic, even when it’s painful, because your brain mistakes “known” for “safe.”¹
Imago theory calls this the Imago Match — the subconscious pull toward a partner who mirrors the positive and negative traits of your early caregivers.² It’s nature’s way of giving you another chance to heal what wasn’t healed back then — but without the right awareness, you end up re-creating instead of repairing.
How Childhood Experiences Show Up in Marriage
Common Reddit and Quora threads ask:
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“Why do I keep repeating the same relationship mistakes?”
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“Can childhood trauma ruin a marriage?”
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“How do I stop being triggered by my spouse?”
These all trace back to attachment patterns formed in early life.³ Here’s how they play out:
| Childhood Dynamic | Adult Marriage Pattern |
|---|---|
| Emotionally unavailable parent | You chase connection, your partner withdraws |
| Over-involved parent | You feel smothered or crave constant reassurance |
| Criticism or perfectionism | You become defensive or overly self-critical |
| Unpredictable caregiving | You walk on eggshells or avoid conflict entirely |
The same emotions that once kept you safe — pleasing, avoiding, controlling — now sabotage adult intimacy. And that’s why conflict in marriage feels so personal. You’re not just arguing about dishes or phone use — you’re re-living a much older wound.⁴
A Quick Self-Check
Ask yourself:
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Do I ever feel “like a child” in arguments — small, helpless, unheard?
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Do I find myself saying things like “You never listen” or “You’re just like my dad”?
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Do I keep choosing partners who can’t meet me emotionally?
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Do our fights follow the same loop, no matter the topic?
If so, your inner child is likely steering the wheel. That doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you — it means your brain is doing exactly what it was trained to do. The work now is to retrain it.
Can You Change These Patterns?
Yes — and this is the part most couples don’t realize.
Your attachment style is malleable.⁵ When you create consistent safety and curiosity with your partner, you actually rewire your brain toward secure functioning.
In our podcast, we emphasize that you can’t out-argue your nervous system — but you can retrain it. Through intentional dialogue, repair, and empathy, couples move from reacting to responding.
What Couples in Our Podcast Realize
When Rivka and I sit with couples, the moment of healing often comes when one says:
“You’re not my parent. You’re the person I chose — and I want to see you, not my past.”
That’s when the conversation shifts from accusation to curiosity. From, “You always…” to “Help me understand…”
The goal isn’t to erase the past; it’s to stop reliving it.
FAQs
Why do I attract the same kind of partner every time?
Because your subconscious seeks what’s familiar — not what’s healthy. Awareness and therapy help you choose differently.¹
Can therapy really fix repeating childhood patterns?
Yes. Attachment and neuroplasticity research confirm that consistent emotional safety changes brain wiring.⁵
What if my partner won’t work on their childhood trauma?
Focus on your side of the dance. Even one partner changing can disrupt the old loop.⁷
How long does it take to stop re-creating my childhood?
Most couples begin noticing new patterns within 60 days of structured practice and accountability. Change requires consistency, not perfection.⁶
Key Takeaways
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You unconsciously repeat familiar childhood dynamics in your marriage.
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Conflict often re-activates early emotional wounds.
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Imago Dialogue helps turn reactivity into repair.
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Your nervous system can learn new safety — and secure love is teachable.
Sources
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Simply Psychology – Repetition Compulsion and the Pull of the Familiar.
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Hendrix, H. (1988). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.
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Vaillancourt-Morel et al., 2023 – Childhood Trauma, Attachment, and Romantic Relationship Satisfaction.
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Gottman Institute – How Your Childhood Can Affect Your Marriage.
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Verywell Mind – Adult Attachment Styles and How They Change.
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Evergreen Counseling – Are We Doomed to Repeat the Relationships of Our Childhood?
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Focus on the Family – How Childhood Experiences Impact Marriage Relationships.
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