Podcast Episode with Rabbi Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin, Founders of The Marriage Restoration Project
Are Trial Separations Good for a Marriage?
Short answer: A trial separation may sound like a way to “reset” your relationship—but in most cases, it makes reconnection harder, not easier.
As therapists, we’re often asked:
“Should we try a trial separation to see if we miss each other?”
“Would living apart help us get clarity before making a final decision?”
While space and reflection can be helpful, separation usually does not address the underlying issues that created the conflict in the first place. In fact, it can make things worse by giving both partners false comfort and reducing the motivation to repair.
Why Trial Separations Often Backfire
1. Distance Doesn’t Heal Triggers — Safety Does
When you live separately, you lose the chance to work through your real-time triggers—the very ones that need healing for the relationship to change.
The only way to truly transform your dynamic is to practice new communication tools while together, not while apart.
Working within the relationship lets you see if change is actually possible.
2. Leaving Creates Momentum Toward More Distance
Once you pack a bag and find a new place, you’ve already crossed an emotional threshold.
That new environment might feel calmer, safer, or easier—and it’s tempting to stay there.
We’ve seen couples come incredibly close to reconciliation, only to lose courage because returning home felt harder than staying apart.
3. “Personal Growth Time” Can Become Self-Focused
While some space can promote self-reflection, solo growth often turns into self-focus.
The language becomes:
“What do I need?”
“What’s best for me?”
“What’s my path?”
True growth happens in the context of relationship—learning to stay curious and compassionate toward your spouse even when they frustrate you.
When we only grow in isolation, it’s easy to lose empathy for our partner.
What Works Better Than a Trial Separation
1. Real Self-Growth Happens in Relationship
The hardest work is learning to stay present, curious, and self-reflective while living with your partner, not while avoiding them.
Your spouse’s reactions reveal your triggers—and those are the keys to your own healing.
2. Learn to Regulate, Not Run
When things feel unbearable, the goal isn’t escape—it’s learning emotional regulation. Once you can stay grounded during conflict, your relationship becomes a place for growth instead of retreat.
3. Try a Marriage Intensive Before You Separate
If you feel like separation is your only option, consider a 2-Day Marriage Restoration Intensive first.
These focused retreats help couples find clarity, create emotional safety, and make progress quickly—often in the same weekend.
👉 Learn about our Private Marriage Intensives
Our Experience
“We’ve seen countless couples who were convinced they needed space, only to find that what they really needed was structure. Once both partners could talk safely and be heard, their need for distance disappeared.”
— Rabbi Shlomo & Rivka Slatkin
Bonus Resources
Free Guide: The 60-Second Plan to a Happy & Healthy Marriage
Weekend Workshops: Upcoming Imago Weekend Marriage Workshops
Key Takeaways
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A trial separation rarely repairs the root problems in a marriage.
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Healing happens in the relationship, not apart from it.
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Distance can make avoidance feel easier than repair.
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True self-growth involves empathy and emotional regulation, not escape.
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Consider a marriage intensive before deciding on separation.
Sources
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Brown, P. R. (2018). Trial Separation and Marital Outcomes: When Distance Helps and When It Hurts. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(6), 799–812.
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Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. Guilford Press.
FAQ: Do Trial Separations Work?
1. Can a trial separation save a marriage?
Not usually. While it may relieve short-term stress, it doesn’t teach you the tools you need to reconnect or rebuild emotional safety.
2. How long should a trial separation last?
If you choose one, keep it brief (no more than a few weeks) and structured—with clear agreements, therapy goals, and regular check-ins.
3. What should we do instead of separating?
Work on communication and safety together. Intensive retreats or structured dialogue therapy offer faster, lasting breakthroughs.
4. Does space ever help?
Temporary space can help reduce emotional flooding—but only if it’s paired with intentional reconnection work.
5. What if one of us has already moved out?
You can still repair. Healing starts when both partners are willing to engage, rebuild trust, and return to honest communication.
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