Understanding the Anxious–Avoidant Cycle in Marriage (a.k.a. the Turtle and the Hailstorm)
By Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC — Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Founder of The Marriage Restoration Project
Why You Keep Having the Same Fight
Does this sound familiar?
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One of you gets quiet, distant, and shuts down during conflict.
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The other gets louder, angrier, and pushes harder for answers.
This is one of the most common patterns I see in marriage counseling—and it’s not because you married the wrong person.
It’s because your attachment styles are clashing.
When one partner has anxious attachment (needing closeness and reassurance) and the other leans avoidant (needing space when stressed), it creates a painful cycle:
The more one chases, the more the other withdraws.
The more one withdraws, the more the other chases.
In Imago Therapy, we call this the Turtle and Hailstorm dynamic. The “Hailstorm” pursues, the “Turtle” retreats—but both are longing for connection.
The Psychology Behind It
Attachment science shows these behaviors start in childhood.
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Avoidant partners learned that sharing needs wasn’t safe—they cope by shutting down or distancing.
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Anxious partners learned that connection was unpredictable—they cope by protesting, clinging, or over-pursuing.
Neither is wrong. They’re simply protective reflexes of the nervous system that now show up in your marriage.
When conflict happens, your brain flips into fight-or-flight.
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The anxious partner “fights” for closeness.
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The avoidant partner “flights” for safety.
The result? Both feel unheard and unloved.
How to Break the Cycle
1. Name What’s Happening
Say out loud: “We’re in our pattern—one of us is chasing, one is pulling away.”
Naming the pattern makes you allies against the cycle instead of enemies in it.
2. Regulate Before You Communicate
When your heart is pounding, no dialogue will work.
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Breathe deeply or take a two-minute pause.
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Cold water or movement can reset your nervous system.
Then come back when calmer.
3. Replace Blame With Curiosity
Instead of “You never talk to me,” try:
“When you get quiet, I feel scared we’re not okay. Can you tell me what’s going on for you?”
And instead of “You’re always yelling,” try:
“When you raise your voice, I shut down because I’m overwhelmed.”
Curiosity turns accusation into connection.
4. Learn Safe Conversation Structure
In our Marriage Intensive Retreats, couples learn a structured way to talk that slows down reactivity and rebuilds emotional safety.
Why Understanding Attachment Can Save a Marriage
When you see your partner’s reactions as pain instead of rejection, everything changes.
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The anxious partner learns that space isn’t abandonment.
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The avoidant partner learns that closeness isn’t danger.
Over time, both move toward secure attachment—calm, consistent, emotionally safe love.
Key Takeaways
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Most recurring marriage conflicts stem from anxious vs avoidant reactions, not incompatibility.
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Recognizing your pattern (the “Turtle” and the “Hailstorm”) helps you depersonalize conflict.
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Safety must come before solutions—regulate first, then talk.
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Structured communication (like Imago Dialogue) turns shutdowns and storms into understanding.
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Couples intensives can accelerate change by addressing attachment wounds in real time.
FAQ
Q1. Why do I shut down when my partner gets angry?
Your body is protecting you. Avoidant types retreat when overwhelmed; your nervous system equates conflict with danger. You can learn to stay present safely with guided regulation.
Q2. Why does my spouse keep pushing me to talk when I need space?
They may have anxious attachment—conflict feels like disconnection to them. Setting clear time frames (“I’ll come back in 30 minutes”) helps rebuild trust.
Q3. How can we stop the anxious-avoidant cycle?
Pause the pattern, name it, regulate, and use structured dialogue. Regular intensives or couples therapy that address attachment repair are most effective.
Q4. Is this fixable if we’ve been like this for years?
Yes. The pattern can shift at any age when partners feel safe enough to respond differently. Many couples move toward secure connection even after decades.
Q5. What’s the fastest way to start changing this dynamic?
Do one thing differently in the next fight: pause, breathe, or mirror instead of defend. Tiny regulated moments rebuild trust faster than big promises.
Sources
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Bowlby, J. (1988). Secure Base: Parent–Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.
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Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice.
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Hendrix, H. & Hunt, H. (2015). Getting the Love You Want.
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Schleifer, H. (2012). The Turtle and the Hail Storm.
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