Are you and your spouse struggling to see eye-to-eye? Understanding the three stages of marriage can help you identify where you are, anticipate the challenges ahead, and give you a roadmap to reach the deepest stage—real love.
Many couples panic when conflict sets in, believing they’ve made a mistake in choosing their partner. But the reality is, every lasting relationship goes through these stages in order¹. The key is knowing how to navigate them.
The 3 Stages of a Relationship
Stage 1: Romantic Love
In the beginning, attraction often overrides logic. Psychologists note that early-stage romantic love is fueled by a surge of dopamine and oxytocin, which enhance bonding and lower critical thinking². This “honeymoon phase” helps couples commit before they fully know each other—a necessary step for forming long-term attachment³.
Stage 2: The Power Struggle
When the initial neurochemical rush fades (often within 12–18 months⁴), differences and unmet expectations emerge. This stage can feel like a disillusionment: “This isn’t the person I thought I married.” But rather than being a sign of incompatibility, the power struggle is an invitation to grow as individuals and as a couple⁵.
Stage 3: Real Love (Conscious Marriage)
With effort, couples can move into a deeper stage characterized by mature love, mutual respect, and intentional connection. This involves developing skills like active listening, emotional regulation, and empathy⁶. The relationship becomes a partnership where both people feel seen, valued, and safe.
Why the Power Struggle Feels So Hard
In the romantic stage, your brain literally “blinds” you to red flags through a combination of selective attention and idealization⁷. Once reality sets in, differences that once seemed endearing can feel irritating—or even threatening.
Consider this example:
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A sociable, outgoing wife wants her homebody husband to “liven up.”
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The husband wants more space and less social pressure.
Without the right tools, this dynamic can spiral into resentment. But with guided dialogue, each partner can appreciate the other’s perspective, meet in the middle, and grow as individuals in the process⁸.
Transitioning Gracefully to Real Love
Research shows that couples who learn structured communication methods—like Imago Dialogue —report higher relationship satisfaction and are more likely to stay together⁹. These approaches help partners:
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Express needs without blame
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Listen without defensiveness
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Show empathy even during conflict¹⁰
By practicing these skills, couples not only repair the connection they had early on—they build a stronger, more durable bond that can weather future challenges.
Why Self-Growth Is Essential
Marriage isn’t just about loving your partner—it’s about becoming a fuller version of yourself. The challenges you face together often reveal areas where you need to grow¹¹. When both partners commit to self-development, the relationship naturally deepens.
Hope Through Awareness
Knowing that the romantic stage will end—and that this shift is normal—can reduce anxiety and prevent premature breakups. Couples who understand the stages are better equipped to:
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Recognize the power struggle as a temporary phase
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Avoid blaming the relationship for inevitable challenges
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Stay committed to working toward real love¹²
Key Takeaways
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Every lasting relationship passes through three stages: Romantic Love, Power Struggle, and Real Love¹.
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The Power Struggle is not a sign of failure—it’s an opportunity for mutual growth⁵.
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Structured communication methods can help couples navigate conflict and move toward deeper intimacy⁹.
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Self-growth within the relationship strengthens the partnership¹¹.
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Awareness of the stages brings hope and helps couples stay the course¹².
Sources
¹ Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2019). Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space-Between.
² Acevedo, B. P., et al. (2012). Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience.
³ Fisher, H. (2004). Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love.
⁴ Aron, A., et al. (2005). Motivations for love: Neurochemical insights. Journal of Comparative Neurology.
⁵ Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
⁶ Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.
⁷ Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The benefits of positive illusions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
⁸ Markman, H. J., Stanley, S. M., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for Your Marriage.
⁹ Rogge, R. D., Cobb, R. J., Lawrence, E., Johnson, M. D., & Bradbury, T. N. (2013). Is skills training necessary for the primary prevention of marital distress? Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology.
¹⁰ Wenzel, A., et al. (2017). Empathy and relationship outcomes: A meta-analysis. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
¹¹ Wilcox, W. B., & Dew, J. (2012). The Social Science of Marriage. National Marriage Project.
¹² Snyder, D. K., Castellani, A. M., & Whisman, M. A. (2006). Current status and future directions in couple therapy. Annual Review of Psychology.
More inspiration on making it past the Power Struggle and into Real Love so that you can save a marriage.
- 3 Stages of Relationships. Which one are you in?
- 6 ways to stay in love forever
- Should I stay or should I go? What you MUST know before you call it quits.
