If your husband is not interested in marital intimacy it doesn’t necessarily mean that he is having an affair and getting it elsewhere. While it is a possibility, and could be a red flag if he has lost interest in sex, there are other factors that might be contributing to his lack of desire.
Here’s what I would ask if your husband isn’t interested in marital intimacy
First, couples that have little children and aren’t sleeping the night and/or have exhausting work schedules may be so wiped out that they are not even thinking about intimacy. Sometimes it’s so late at night by the time you get to bed and you know you have to get up early in the morning so it becomes a trade off between sleep or sex.
Is your husband on medication? There are many medications that decrease libido and could explain your husband’s lack of desire. Many of the common anti depressants have this effect. Speak to your psychiatrist to find out what you can do about the meds and that unwanted side effect. There may be comparable medications that they would recommend or maybe medications that they could add. There may be also natural alternatives that you can explore with trusted acupuncturist or herbalist.
Is your husband exhibiting signs of depression that are going untreated? People suffering from depression often have a decreased desire for many things, including marital intimacy. Treating the depression whether through psychotherapy and/or medication may help. Are there any life stressors or transitions such as job loss,retirement, or death in the family? The loss of job for a man can be a shaming experience and for him calls into question his very manhood.
How is your relationship? If he feels distant from you, or that you criticize him and “are a mean wife“, he may shut down and not want to have much to do with you. He may feel so disconnected that he starts looking elsewhere to get his needs met. Many men who commit infidelity, whether it be emotional affairs, pornography, or a full blown affair are looking to get their emotional needs met elsewhere. If he doesn’t feel safe talking to you, he may look for someone else to talk to. This can often lead to a slippery slope. By no means does this justify his actions or absolve him of any wrongdoing. He may be provoking you as well, leading to your reaction which drives him further away. However, it does provide context. This means that it is crucial to work on creating a safe and connected relationship where you both of you can get your needs. When you both feel emotionally safe with each other, you won’t need to go elsewhere.
If you want help with getting your husband back in the bedroom, contact us at to schedule marriage counseling.
With best wishes for your relationship success,
Shlomo and Rivka Slatkin