My wife and I have had a pretty rough go at our almost 6 year marriage. We separated briefly in 2010 after her affair but got back together after 3 months. It’s been a roller coaster ever since. This week we hit an all-time low. After we calmed down, I suggested we should apologize and refocus on us and our family. I told her I’d gladly do that and really wanted to embrace her right there. She unfortunately didn’t feel the same. While she has acknowledged that she has done her part of the damage she said she just didn’t trust me with her heart. We sat down and are working out a separation. Afterwards I felt good. I felt confident that my life ahead would be ok. That I would be ok. That it was the right decision.
So now here I sit several days later and I’m finding I have moments of fear and sadness. It’s as if my confidence decides to just leave at these times. I even got to a point where I called her and asked if she really thought this was the right thing to do (she does think we need the space because of us hurting each other).
Is this a normal feeling? The feeling of being ready and certain one minute and scared to death the next?
Life after divorce for men- Here’s a bit on how to cope with separation and ultimate divorce.
It’s normal for your emotions to shift. You may feel ready to move on. This could be because you truly sense it is the right decision or it could be because you are trying to protect yourself from getting hurt as you wish to reconcile and she doesn’t. By feeling confident that everything will be ok, you may be protecting yourself from the pain of not being with your wife anymore.
It makes sense why you would feel sad or scared. You have built a life together and have a four year old child. Even if you are able to work out an agreement, your life as you know it will never be the same. It sounds like you still love her so it’s hard to say goodbye to this relationship. It could be that if you give each other some space, she will want to come back. At the same time, if neither one of you change, it will be hard to guarantee that you won’t continue to hurt each other. The best thing you both can do is to learn more about yourself, learn effective communication since that seems to be such a difficulty in most marriages, and discover what went wrong and how you can repair it. Even if you decide to get divorced, it will be helpful in future relationships as you will undoubtedly see some of these issues reoccurring with someone else. For the sake of your child it is worth making an earnest attempt to get help.
We wish all men dealing with divorce emotions much strength for the rocky days that come ahead. Please read the free material that is on our website for help in communicating with your Ex, as you will need to be communicating with your ex about the children quite frequently and ALL of the communication tools that we provide here can successfully be utilized between Ex-es. If that’s not enough help, please consider taking a look at our marriage course not only for success in your past relationship, but for much success in your future one!
Shlomo and Rivka Slatkin
P.S. We include a whole chapter in our book that talks about why you experienced relationship breakdown in your past relationship and what you can do about taking that information with you into your future relationships. That information is really important especially for those men out there reading this post and looking for information on life after divorce. You’ll learn what went wrong this time around and how to prevent it from happening again. Click here to take a look at our full marriage course options.