Love will keep us together. True or False?
Couples panic when they no longer “love” their spouse. When they no longer feel attracted to their partner or want to have sex with him/her.
But is this reason to divorce?
We recently came across a movie trailer called The Lost Key-produced by Rabbi Manis Friedman.
We watched it and were so intrigued by it that we arranged to meet with Rabbi Friedman in person. We had a very interesting meeting!
Rabbi Friedman talks a lot about sex and marital intimacy. Here’s what he has to say:
The Lost Key-The Secret to Marital Intimacy
In our private meeting with Rabbi Friedman, we spoke about the following:
There’s a difference between sex and intimacy.
Human beings sometimes behave like angels and sometimes we behave like animals.
We can’t be slaves to our sexuality, our sexuality has to serve us.
Here’s an example of what we mean: When we eat to fill up our bellies, we eat healthy. When we eat to please our tastebuds, we don’t stop eating. If we eat to fill up our belly, we can be truly satisfied. When we eat to entertain our mouths, there’s no end, it’s never satisfying, so we look for ways for greater stimulation.
If we are always looking for pleasure, we are searching for immediate gratification. And then we get into a situation where we can’t deal with delayed gratification.
Similarly, if you have sex solely to satisfy your body, you won’t be satisfied.
Whoa! Slow down, are you telling me that I shouldn’t have sex?
Not at all. What we are saying is that the greatest pleasure is the pursuit and achievement of intimacy.
“Constant pleasure is no pleasure at all”- Baal Shem Tov.
When man and woman connect they become one body, one soul, and a spirit of holiness is presence- Zohar
What is marital intimacy?
It’s very hard to describe. It’s not about music, wine, dimming the lights and physical exploration. Most explanations of what intimacy is are not real descriptions of intimacy, they are descriptions of sex or simply physical pleasure. The goal “should be” that we are one.
What is sex? Most of the time, sex is not intimacy. It’s sex. And it doesn’t bring the satisfaction that intimacy brings.
“Intimacy is a mini-miracle. The oneness is nothing but a divine experience.” – Rabbi Friedman
How can you achieve intimacy?
Intimacy is the uniquely human ability where 2 people can become one. Can 2 people really become one? The Torah says “and they shall become one flesh”.
We can achieve this-it’s bonding, it’s intimacy. And intimacy is really a mystical thing- it’s not sex, pleasure, love, kindness. It’s something more and bigger than all of it. It’s harder to achieve.
The good news is that Sex can turn into intimacy.
People “freak out” when they think they no longer love their spouse or are attracted to him/her. What Rabbi Friedman is saying is that our concept of love is skewed. It’s not about being in love and then when you no longer feel in love anymore, it’s over.
What we think about the secret to Intimacy
There’s truth to the saying, “love the one you’re with”. You love the important people in your life, they are not important just because you love them.
If you committed to being married to someone, then they are an important part of your life, and that ALONE warrants love.
If you’re curious to learn more, tell us! There is more to come! We will be talking with Rabbi Friedman more in the future and will also be hosting a webinar on the topic of sex and marital intimacy.
Fill out the form below to let us know that you are interested in a future class on this topic.
With best wishes for your relationship success,
Shlomo and Rivka Slatkin